I’ve been sitting here for an hour trying to form a sentence. Three years ago I was a broken, empty shell-of-a-person. I had endured years of feeling inadequate as a woman. Pain that can’t be explained.
I was reading through some old posts of mine, and came across one that so perfectly explains what I’m feeling. So I’m going to share this post with you again… because maybe MAYBE somebody needs to hear it.
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You might be surprised to learn that… as a blogger, it’s FAR easier to complete an entire DIY project and compose a blog post about it, than to write a heartfelt post about my personal life. Not because it’s hard for me to bear my soul… cause it’s not. I’m pretty darn open (after all, I posted a picture of my uterus for the world to see)!
Who can describe how much they love their family? Or how painful it was to lose a grandfather? Or how it feels to wake up at night and wish you could hear a baby crying? Who can describe that moment when you heard your baby’s heartbeat for the first time?
I need to FIND a way to describe my innermost. Because this is a blog about my life.
I know the vast majority of you are here to get some creative inspiration or eye candy… and it’s my overwhelming PLEASURE to supply that! But some of you are here because I’m real and I don’t sugar-coat my life. You identify with me because I’m a regular person. I don’t try to be fancy, or act like I have it all together. I’m just me. I don’t KNOW how to be any other way. And I’m honored and floored that you all stick around for it all. In a million years, I never dreamed I would be a successful blog author, with loyal readers/friends.
You guys rock my world.
WITH THAT BEING SAID…..
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I had all my eggs in one basket (or Petrie dish I guess) as I laid on that cold stainless steel table in quiet desperation. With my own eyes, I watched the conception of my daughters on a computer screen, while holding my husband’s hand. It’s not everyone that gets to see their children on the cellular level.
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More importantly, it’s not everyone that gets to HAVE children at all.
At church this past Sunday, the girls were being… lively and spirited during the service. There was a middle-aged woman and her teenage children sitting behind us. After the service ended, I smiled to the lady, and said “I’m sorry if my family was a distraction to you”. The woman smiled back and said, “oh honey, it’s okay… we’ve all been there.”
She was trying to make me feel better about my active toddlers. And I was grateful.
But the truth is, not everyone has been there, or will ever get the chance to be there.
As soon as the words came out of her mouth, I looked around the sanctuary, thinking… ‘that elderly woman over there, maybe she never got be there.’ …or… ‘that young couple over there, maybe they’re desperately trying to be there without success.’
Being directly in the center of a topic that is so rarely discussed in our society, I desperately hope that our story can be a beacon of light to anyone who is still trying.
Dear Barron Woman,
- You are perfect.
- You are whole.
- You are talented.
- You are beautiful.
- You have purpose.
- You are not defined by your reproductive system.
I know ‘it’s easy for me to say these things now’, but they are all the things I wished somebody would tell me when I was in the darkest pit of infertile torment. And they are all true statements. NO MATTER YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES.
If it’s a desire of your heart… FIGHT FOR IT.
To read our fertility story, click here, to read about the day we found out our IVF was successful, click here. If you have a friend struggling with infertility and you don’t know what to say click here.
This post is dedicated to my friend Elizabeth. Thinking of you today!
Hi Beth and Nick,
Did you ever consider adopting? And what did you do with the six fertilized embryos that weren’t the “strongest”? Just curious. Congrats on your beautiful girls.
KT
Adoption has always been an option, but we wanted to try for our own first… Especially since adopting is also expensive and can take years. We were so grateful that we were able to have our own biological children! But aren’t opposed to adoption either. Who knows what the future holds!
As for the embryos, only two continued developing properly. Those were frozen. And this spring when we had them thawed to be placed in my uterus, one of them didn’t survive the thawing process. So they put one in, and I’m pregnant with a bouncing babe! Due March 1st! It’s been a wild journey, but we know how blessed we are.
Hi Beth,
I want to thank u from the bottom of my heart for sharing something so so personal….my husband and I are fighting the infertility battle…we have been married for 7 years now had a loss of 1 baby in week 8 of pregnancy and haven’t been able to conceive after that…have been on several hormonal drugs…. Like so many others I am surrounded by kids….my husband has 4 sisters and all of them have beautiful children…. It pains us to not have any of our own…. I live in India and that a whole other ball game…where folks think it’s ok to say nasty stuff to ur face about how long will u guys plan and not have a child,..how do they know we are planning….sum times it just gets to me….
Ur story has given me so much hope that it will happen for us too…we have decided to try for the next couple of months and then go in for IvF…
Thank u ..thank u once again for sharing !!! Much love all the way from Mumbai India
Hugs – Krystal
i don’t get it. there are SO MANY CHILDREN in the world without homes or families it seems selfish to “neeeeeeeed” to carry your own. infinitely selfish.
Flor-Who are you to judge what someone chooses to do with their life and their family. Just because you don’t agree with it, doesn’t mean it wasn’t the best decision for them. I’m all about freedom of speech, and you are certainly entitled to YOUR own opinion (which is strictly what that comment was), but that doesn’t mean that you “neeeeeeeed” to share them. Simply Disrespectful.
Hi Beth,
I found your blog last year from a pin off Pinterest but enjoyed reading about your successful infertility battle– I say battle because it is. Thank you for recognizing the women and couples who haven’t been there. My husband and I have married for 13.5 years and have been trying for about half of them. I have PCOS and IR and finally feel like I’m truly fighting for this through a low intervention regimen of Metformin and a special diet called Low Amylose diet. It is still very difficult every day, especially since I work with infants and toddlers every day.
Please keep being real and speaking out. It is such a travesty that our society does this to women like us.
Much thanks,
Wende
Great post! My husband and I have been trying for 4 1/2 years. I went through alot of the same emotions. We recently just finished up our adoption classes and are waiting. Its hard and IVF has been a scarey thing for us to think about with the money, my issues and the uncertainty, but very happy to see you had great success. 🙂
Congrats on finishing your adoption classes! I hope the process goes quickly and smoothly for you!
I came across your blog when searching for infertility websites about a year ago. I was searching through the online world trying to see if others were feeling this awful or if I was just overreacting. 🙂 Your blog gave me immediate reassurance that others also feel the same pain and grief that goes along with infertility. We are headed into our first IVF attempt this spring. Your blog inspires me to keep trying and maybe someday there will be light at the end of our tunnel. Every time I am feeling scared of the pain and sorrow I will feel if it doesn’t work out… I remind myself that we won’t know if we don’t try. Thank you Bethany for keeping it real and putting a voice to a subject that really difficult to put into words.
Oh man you’re DEFINITELY not overreacting. Infertility is just horrible, isn’t it? I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m glad you’re going for it this spring, and I hope you’re as lucky as we were! Please keep me updated!
Thank you for this. it is so nice to see someone else internally saying, “No, not EVERYONE has been there”. I know the people don’t mean to be insensitive or hurtful but, well, they still are sometimes. We’ve struggled with infertility for our entire marriage and God is now leading us towards adoption (and maybe still some infertility treatments, but we’ll see). Mostly I’m to the point where I want a child (or children) in my house – no matter how they get here. It is so hard to be patient. I greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness towards those of us still struggling with infertility. Thank you.
Pamela, I’m so sorry for the struggles you’ve experienced. I’m glad you’re feeling let toward adoption and feel at peace about your decision. I hope the process goes quickly for you and you have the pitter-patter of little feet in your home SOON!!
I’ve never commented before but I totally understand your words. And it’s the way you say them that keeps bringing me back here (aside from all the creativity you have on show!)
My hubs and I tried for just over two years and was about to head down the serious IVF path. Scary! But after being on metformin and some other drugs, and going through the pain of having to share happy news for siblings and cousins we finally fell pregnant.
It took us a while to work this one out and only then found out AFTER I was involved in a crash where thankfully i was not severely injured. Double SCARY!!
We are so thankful to know our little one continues to kick and make itself known. Life is funny the way it works out sometimes.
But to those who are trying with hope, keep persevering! You never know what miracles God may throw at you!
Thanks for your post Beth, all the more reason to keep visiting this place 🙂
Jenny CONGRATULATIONS! Such a happy story! I’m so glad that you were able to conceive naturally, and that the accident didn’t affect it. That’s so scary! Enjoy those little kicks in your belly!
I also found your blog when searching about IVF & have been hooked ever since! I’m starting my first IVF cycle with next menstrual cycle & have been amazed at the amount of info you have shared with the world so people that are feeling devastated by themselves or their spouse being classified as infertile can read, first hand, just how amazing the outcomes can be. You have definitely inspired me to go through this and your unique crafty sense is just icing on the cake! 🙂 I hope to someday, in some way, celebrate our embryo transfer day as well.♡♥♡♥♡♥
Megan your words are so sweet! I’m so glad that our story has inspired you, and that you’re going for it! Please keep me updated!
My husband and I are going on 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive. It is something that has completely shattered me as a woman. Their are days I completely hate myself for not being able to get pregnant. It has become something that I am so ashamed of telling people. I couldn’t even build up the strength to visit a doctor until about 6 months ago and I didn’t even speak with him for more than 5 minutes when he said I need to visit a fertility specialist. Which I have yet to do so because I’m not prepared for the news if they are bad. It is a burden I carry with me every day and hope and pray that one day, hopefully soon, I will be able to have our child.
Find that one person that you can be totally honest with about this. My sister went through the same struggles that I did and it was wonderful to have a person to talk to. No judgements, just support and love. Best wishes.
Very powerful words, my friend. Thank you for sharing again. You are a total inspiration for anyone who has or is struggling with infertility. God knew what he was doing when he put the idea in your head to start a blog! Thanks again for the wonderful post.
While my husband and I were not successful with our IVF rollercoaster, it led us on the journey to the adoptions of our wonderful sons. It was not a path we were intending to travel on, but we were meant to be the family that we are. Not trying everything we could have may have led to regrets that my sons did not deserve for me to have. Embrace your reality and know that we are all here for a reason greater than we know.
Many thanks for a wonderful post.
I found your blog a few years ago while doing research on IVF. I’ve been a constant visitor ever since. We have been trying for 8 years with no success. Then this summer we had our first ever positive pregnancy test. It was such a sweet time. Four weeks later we were told that the baby had failed to attach correctly and our dreams were shattered. Two days ago I couldn’t get out of bed because the grief I am still dealing with was just too much to face. You have no idea how much I needed your post today. Thank you Beth. Thank you so much for a much needed reminder that I am worthy in God’s eyes and my husband’s eyes no matter what. Thank you for giving me a kick in the pants to continue the fight. Bless you.
Rachel I can’t imaging what 8 years would feel like. Even more I can’t imagine losing a little one after so much heartache. You are such a strong woman. Please be encouraged, and keep fighting! You can email me anytime. Seriously.
I can’t explain enough how much your posts mean to me and hit home. My sister has 5 children, my brother also has 5, and 3 1/2 years ago my husband and I were blessed to have our son. We had experienced 2 unrelated miscarriages (1 blighted ovum the other ectopic) before we were successful. We had hoped the previous miscarriages were a fluke- but have had 3 more in the last 3 years (low progesterone, spontaneous, and another ectopic). All testing has come back showing there is no reason and IVF was suggested.
We spoke heavily on the topic, discussed with some local families who had tried, but I do not believe any were as raw and open as you were. I truly appreciate how you both have been so forthcoming with the struggles and the process and your daughters bring such joy to not only you all, your family and friends- but the thousands who follow you online.
Continually being asked when you’ll have children, if you’ll have more, your son/daughter needs a sibling- is hard to hear when dealing with fertility issues. I have my good days and my bad and sometimes I’m able to discuss with others but I hate the pity looks you receive after. One day…we may be lucky again…until that day I just squeeze my baby and relish how lucky we are, when like you said- there are so many people who may never have that chance.
Thank you again. For everything.
Oh Jessica, i sooooo hope you’ll get to be one of the lucky ones. Thank you for your sweet words. It definitely took a burden off our shoulders when we started being raw and real about our struggle. I hope that we’re able to encourage other by doing this.
My daughter tried IVF a couple times without success. Hard to get pregnant when ya don’t have periods or ovulate. I thought I’d never have a grand child and I tried being supportive to her. I told her that maybe she had a bigger purpose than giving birth to a child. I steered her into becoming foster parents and possibly adopting.. They did the classes and everything involved with being a foster parent. The very same week they received their license, they got a call from a friend who knew someone who was pregnant but wanted to give the baby up for adoption and asked if she was interested in adopting the baby that was due in just 7 weeks. She called me not knowing what to do. Of course she was interested, she wanted a baby more than anything. So we helped them do what needed to be done to adopt this baby and travel to be there for the birth. What a Blessing it was!!! I am grateful to the birthmom for giving us the best gift anyone could ever give while on this earth. I was also there when my grand daughter was born and I couldn’t love her any more than if she was my own blood. She is now 3.5 years old and the light of my life.
What an amazing story! Thank you for sharing!
Beth,
Your struggles are what brought me to your site. We had a terrible loss last year and I was looking for a couple that had struggled as well and succeeded. Over the course of the last year following you and your beautiful family I have grown strong enough to talk about my own struggles and hopeful for the future of my own family. Thank you for bearing your soul to us and sharing everything! It truly helps! <3
Diane this means so much to me. I’m so glad that you eventually felt comfortable enough to share your story. I wish you the very best… don’t give up!
I come from a very fertile family. My sister gets pregnant when she looks at her husband and we got pregnant with our last in 4 days of trying. I have always known that we are very fortunate but it was not until my half sister lost several babies that I really grasped what a miracle it is. My cousin was told that she could never have a baby because of plumbing issues. A couple of months ago she was just not feeling well and thought she would take a test. She about fell over when it was positive. They had long ago accepted that they would be wonderful Aunt/Uncle duo and they are still floored that they are now going to have a sweet little girl. My neighbor recently had a similar story and was just as surprised to find out that she was having a little boy. I am thankful every day for my little ones even when they make me crazy. I know that these miracle babies do not always happen but I am glad that some stories have a happy beginning.
I was told once when I also apologized about my kids behavior in church that many enjoy seeing a young family even if it causes a bit of noise because it reminds them of their time with young kids. I am so glad that you have healthy little girls that can cause a disturbance in church.
I love hearing these happy stories!
Thank you for sharing this! This was ‘my story’ five years ago! It was a five-year struggle-filled with so much heartache and pain! I knew then it was all in God’s hands, but for us to have to face this life of infertility alone was hard. We chose, because of my husband’s career and my emotional disinterest in talking with EVERYONE about it – to keep this from people outside of our sets of parents. I mean it took even 2.5 years to get to tell our parents – but many miscarriages later and I needed their support as I watched (and was expected to be overjoyed) my brother and his wife have their first little boy! 🙂 I couldn’t hold him and they didn’t understand why. But time and God heals wounds and provided us with twin boy miracles! They really have completed our life. And times when I wish ‘I was like everyone else’ to have at least one more, I remember the feelings from before and have to be thankful…very thankful! 🙂 The IVF we did really did a number on me – I ended with OHSS and was in the hospital right before the transfer, so feeling like death and having no air to breathe was scary and not something I can risk doing again! 🙂 I leave it in His hands for more! 🙂 But I babble- thank you for sharing your powerful story! 🙂
There’s such a stigma of shame with infertility that prevents us from wanting to speak of it. But the support system is priceless, and it lifts such a burden to get it off your shoulders, doesn’t it?! I sobbed when my niece was born, and my brother and sister in law were very understanding. But I still have guilt about it. I’m so glad you got your miracle twin boys! No one should be denied the opportunity to be a parent if it’s a desire of their hearts.
Been there.
We had gone through a year of trying naturally and five rounds of AI when we travelled to the Czech Republic for IVF. During our 10 day adventure, we had lunch with a woman I had “met” in a forum for people planning treatment at the clinic. She and her husband had been trying for 10 years with only a single pregnancy that last three weeks to show for it. All their savings went to her twice yearly pilgrimages to the clinic. When we found out our treatment was successful and we were expecting twins, a part of me felt guilty because she had posted another negative on the forum. Once our girls were born, my visits to the forum decreased (naturally), but when I returned, I always checked to see how her journey was going. Unfortunately, she posted several more negatives through the years. Last summer, she posted that her journey was ending because she had discovered her husband was having an affair and they were divorcing. I broke down sobbing that she would never have the child I knew she longed for.
In my own journey, first I couldn’t get pregnant, then I couldn’t stay pregnant (our girls were born at 32 weeks and spent 5 weeks in the NICU), and then I couldn’t nurse because of a pituitary tumor. We had two beautiful girls, but I felt like a total failure as a mother.
Happily, things started working out and I wouldn’t change a thing. I love reading your posts and I think it’s so important that we support those who are going through the process now.
Thanks.
I can so relate to feeling like a failure as a parent. I think every parent feels this at some point, but after having gone through so much to get my miracles, there were days when I wondered if I was infertile for a reason. Like nature KNEW I would be a terrible parent. Such lies! You and me, we ROCK!
Thanks for sharing your story! Infertility needs to be recognized by insurance and society!! Both my girls are IVF (one 2 yrs and one just 1 month). The heart ache, devastation, emotional and financial stress is hard to understand until you are in it. I don’t wish that on anyone. My journey wasn’t an easy (not that anyone’s is with infertility) one but my two frozen transfers worked and now I have two beautiful girls. Again thank you. To those in the midst of the trying for a child do not give up. The best thing I did was join an online support group. It’s so nice to talk to people who know exactly what you are going through.
I agree it IS nice to talk to other’s that are going through something similar who understand the heartache. Thank you for sharing your story… I’m so glad you got your beautiful girls!
As a childless woman (not by choice) I thank you. On my dark days I am angry at any one who dares have a child, but as I come to terms with this life those days of fewer and more far between. More days than not, I am thrilled for anyone who wants a baby and is able to have one.
Melissa you’re a stronger woman than I.
I’m so glad you re-shared this post, and even gladder you had a happy ending with it all. I hope you are able to sell a million ornaments and paint a million backsplashes so you’re able to get another happy ending real soon 🙂
Hehe… that would be great! The sooner the better!
I love this post! As someone who went through the IVF journey to conceive my boy (coming this Dec!) I completely agree….I look at things differently now. I never assume anything when it comes to the subject of baby making….you never know what people are going through, just like all the people who’d ask when I was going to “start trying”. They didn’t know my husband and I had been “trying” for a year….I will NEVER ask these questions to anyone after what I went through. I know none of those people meant to make me feel bad, but it was torture every time I had to hear it! I see it as if someone wants to talk about what’s going on in that part if their life….THEY’LL BRING IT UP! So glad your IVF story had such a happy ending 🙂
I used to ask people all the time… and loved seeing people’s reactions to my bluntness. But now I know better. I wouldn’t even think of it now that I know how painful it is for those that are actively trying to conceive. I’m sorry to say I learned the hard way.
So much love. This post is even better the second time around. You are brave, and I always appreciate you for speaking out about the hardest things in life.
Brave… or just have a big mouth. 🙂 I just hope to encourage others! It’s so sad that this isn’t something that’s discussed in our society. There shouldn’t be a stigma of shame that follows a diagnosis of infertility.