WARNING… get ready for a lot of words and no pictures.
With a blog name like ‘Sawdust and EMBRYOS’ a lot of our newish readers are intrigued and confused, I’m sure. We hope that our Infertility tab is helpful in clearing up any questions. With that said, we get a LOT of emails from other women struggling with similar issues regarding their fertility and desire for a family.
It is one of my greatest joys to be able to encourage and support these women. My shoulders are meant to be cried on. It’s also an incredible burden to carry, because I share in their pain and relive my own story with each email. It all comes rushing back in a flood of raw emotions.
My one resounding bit of advice is always…. DON’T GIVE UP if this is a desire of your heart. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you wouldn’t sit back and patiently wait for a miracle… because treatment is expensive… or, you want to see God do something mighty in your life.
Would you?
On the day that I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endo, and told that we would need IVF in order to conceive… my world crashed down around me. $12,000 might as well have been $12 million. It felt almost unreachable. ALMOST.
And that’s when we made a decision to fight. We had one mystery blog reader send us a check for $100, the rest… we saved every penny and paid IN CASH. We’re just regular people, who live paycheck to paycheck. But we dropped everything that was normal and comfortable to us, put our lives on hold. Picked up 2nd and 3rd jobs. Worked insane hours doing things that weren’t necessarily enjoyable to us.
I have a distinct memory of being at one of my side jobs… doing horse chores for a nearby ranch (and I don’t care for horses AT ALL). It was pouring rain, and I was trudging through the knee-deep mud and horse poo in the pasture, with untrained horses nudging me and fighting each other to be first to get to the food I was bringing them. One horse swung around and hit me with his backside and I want flying through the air and landed deep in the sludge. I just laid there and cried in the rain, with horses all around me eating the spilled grain. I just kept saying “It’s for the baby” … I chanted that often.
I also have a memory of standing in Walmart in the isle that has nightlights. Living in the country, it gets REALLY dark at night… and midnight trips to the bathroom can be a bit of a hazard. I stood there, looking at nightlights. The cheapest one was .99 cents. A battle was going on within me as I stood in the isle for what felt like an hour. “Do I want this nightlight more than I want a baby?” A question I asked myself before every purchase. We lived in an absurdly frugal way. We went without a LOT of things that we had taken for granted. For the baby. I walked away from the nightlight that day. That .99 cents needed to go towards my baby.
I’m telling you all this to demonstrate how small sacrifices add up quickly. Fertility treatments aren’t just for the rich people. If you want it bad enough, you’ll do whatever it takes. Don’t let it defeat you.
There may be some of you that choose to go toward the adoption route, or simply decide that you can be content with this ‘hand you’ve been dealt’. And THAT’S OK TOO! I’m not saying that everyone struggling with infertility should do what we did. If you feel in your heart that fertility treatments isn’t the direction you want to go (for whatever reason) then by all means, GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION!
Also, I want to address the fact that… for some, it never happens. This sounds harsh, but when I was in the throes of infertility, everyone was always sooo encouraging. “You’re going to be a great mom someday!” or “It’ll be your turn soon!” …and I know they were just trying to help. But nobody ever addressed the fact that, for some, IT NEVER HAPPENS.
I just wanted someone to be honest with me.
I just wanted someone to say, “although you may never get to be a mommy, you’re still a beautiful person with lots to offer the world”.
We only hear the success stories. Everyone knows someone that got pregnant even though the Dr’s said it would never happen. And those stories spread like wildfire because they’re so cheery and encouraging. But nobody talks about the middle-aged woman who quietly weeps everyday because it never happened for her.
It may not happen for you, but don’t let it be because you didn’t fight for it. Don’t leave yourself with any regrets.
We are one of the lucky ones. And there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think ‘what if I hadn’t fought?’
I’m SO glad I fought.
Photo by Molly Long
If anything in this post struck you wrong or offended you in any way, please don’t leave your thoughts in the form of a nasty comment on my blog. I welcome you (and anyone else) to email me. I’m an open person, and choose to share myself openly on my blog.
I’m so thankful for your blog! After 1 miscarriage, 3 failed IUI’s, 1 failed IVF attempt, I do feel like a broken woman but I know that I am more than my reproductive system and reading blogs from women like you help me remember that!
Be encouraged and don’t give up!
Bethany,
I’m new to your blog having come to it via a Pinterest post, but I’m loving it! Your girls are gorgeous and I appreciate your posts about the pain of infertility. My BFF went through it as well – six rounds of treatments – and she almost gave up when she and her hubby were blessed with twin boys. (I was single at the time, in my late 30’s, and thought I’d never find a partner.) I have several friends going through this pain right now, which is tough for me since I managed to get pregnant fairly easily at 39 and had my wonderful baby girl, Brie, last July. I never know what to say to them anymore since I haven’t had to fight this battle. (We’re all in our early 40’s.) Any words of advice on how to support them?
Thanks,
Kelly
Thanks for your comment Kelly… it really is a hard thing to go through, and it’s so nice that you’re a friend that wants to be supportive and sensitive.
I actually wrote a post on this matter awhile back, and included an article about things that you should (and shouldn’t) say to a friend in the throes of infertility. Here’s the link https://realitydaydream.com/2012/04/pain-of-infertility.html
Congrats on your new baby girl!
LOVE this post! We were in the same situation as you guys – scrimped and saved and paid for 2 IVFs and miracle twin babies are now sleeping soundly as it’s 11.35 pm here 🙂
Marcia… I’m so glad you got your miracles as well! (and that they’re sleeping!) 🙂
I don’t even know where to start. I’m 37 (almost 38) and my husband and I decided Saturday to try to have kids. I’ve never felt the drive before,and now, I’m just hoping we haven’t waited too long. I’ve gone back and read your story several times, and although we’re not facing endometriosis, so far as I know, I’m still worried. Thanks for sharing your struggle, both physically, and emotionally.
Dear Beth, your story rings true because it mirrors my own. I too struggled with feeling like an inadequate woman and the guilt of wanting to be excited for friends but not. At 25, I also had Stage 4 endometriosis. I had a 4.5 hour surgery to remove the adhesions, followed by forced menopause with medication to help keep down the potential for adhesions. Less than 1 year later, I had more adhesions. 6 months more, I was told my fallopian tubes had so much scar tissue they were like raw spaghetti, too rigid to work properly. Having done the regular protocols of IUI, was recommended to remove all cysts & adhesions again & start IVF. After that surgery, 2 weeks later back in the hospital with a burst follicle. At that time, they indicated that my endometriosis was fiercely agressive & already making adhesions again. This was followed by peritonitis, then pneumonia, then blood clots in both lungs. Blood thinners for 3 months meant another delay in IVF treatment. Finally able to do it and was rewarded with a beautiful baby girl. I liked to think that God figured I’d been through enough and I knew her name would be Faith. I like to say that she fixed the problem because she now also has 2 brothers, both spontaneous pregnancies. I’m lucky to be their mother and blessed by their very existence. There were other instances in my family of infertility but it wasn’t discussed so I didn’t know very much. Thank you for sharing so that everyone can find strength in their own situation.
Thank you, Beth. Honesty is something that I also crave from people after 4 years of trying. Yet, I only hear the same lines about “Someday…” and how great a mother I will be. I broke down reading what you just wanted someone to say to you. I feel the same way and I felt your words deep in my heart. I am so glad that you fought and won and am so very happy for you and your family.
I sent this to a friend who has been struggling for about a year now to get pregnant and she very much appreciated it… thank you for posting, because I just didn’t have the right words for her.
I am so glad you fought and WON. I am so thankful you had this option. Please let your readers know that there are people that want to take the IVF option away from those who struggle with infertility. One such person is currently running for the 2nd highest office in our country. Everyone, please be an informed voter this November.
Thank you so much for sharing. To me this is what I needed. We have been trying for 2 yearsish.. with 2 ectopic pregnancies and a normal miscarriage along the way. Our stories are different however.. I will do anything to be able to get pregnant! I have candida which is a yeast overgrowth that has clogged my tubes.. i lost one in feb 2010 due to an ectopic pregnancy and it had ruptured. And exactly a year later in feb 2011 I had another but actaully was able to save my tube. I went on an all strict diet of no sugars, yeasts, or processed foods. I love sweets.. everytime i see them or crave them.. its all for the little one that I will one day hold in my arms! So thank you for sharing. You also make me want to be a better person! If you would like to check out my story its on my blog. Matoriaedwards.blogspot.com.. its a more recent post. Thank you!!
tears of joy for all of you! Mry in NY
Thanks for your post and the story.
I remember emailing with you shortly after I read your story online. I too had been diagnosed with endometriosis. I had surgery, waited, tried IUI, waited, thought about adoption, waited and finally tried IVF. Yours was one of the many stories I read that inspired me. So much about IVF can be frightening. We were lucky that we became pregnant on our first try and had an easy IVF cycle. My beautiful boy was born April 2012.
Thank you for being a voice in the world of IF. For everyone one of us that shares there are many who are quiet. I’d like to think us sharing our stories helps others to feel less alone.
Thank you!
Very well said. You brought tears to my eyes. 🙂
JILLYMARIE08@HOTMAIL.COM
I absolutely agree! After sturggling for years trying to get pregnant and being told it would be a miracle if I conceived we adopted our first daughter. As much as I loved being a mother I couldn’t quiet the voice in my heart saying not to give up. This last December I gave birth to a precious baby girl who took 8 years to conceive and countless tears, surgeries, shots, injections.. But so worth it! Brandy in MN
I love your comments, having had an ectopic pregnancy resulting in the loss of tube almost a year ago I find the people trying to be nice the hardest to deal with. They may genuinely know someone that got pregnant one month after their ectopic but I dont think they realise that these stories are difficult to hear – every month that passes & I’m not pregnant I feel as if I’m letting my husband & family down & that I’m doing something wrong! I guess people try to be helpful but essentially everyone deals with these issues differently.
I love your blog, and I’m so happy that you were blessed with 2 beautiful babies.
NaProTechnology is another great option for couples battling infertility. Through finding the cause of infertility and fixing it either medically or surgically, women are able to conceive naturally. It is a long-term, lasting, natural approach to solving infertility.
http://www.fertilitycare.org/infertility-ivf-alternative/
Beth, you really ARE a beautiful person! And if anyone is negative to you regarding this post, it’s their problem, NOT yours! Your story has given me hope in the midst of my own infertility struggle. Even though our stories are so different, they are so similar at the same time. Thank you for your candid honesty…It helps more people than you know.
Amen, sister! The human will is an amazing thing, especially a mother’s. Thank you for the inspirational reminder.
I agree beautifully written Bethany! I think your journey applies to anything that is important in life. You have to put in the effort and at least try so you don’t have any regrets. And I bet many people will be surprised what they can accomplish when they put their mind to it.
Sounds corny but I can’t wait until your girls read this post one day – so they know how love was put into bring them to this world.
beautifully written Bethany! Some will never know the heart ache of infertility OR being frugal! I love both of these tips. One being frugal. some don’t even know the real meaning of this. they think they have to make a million bucks to get what they want. just CUT back on things you don’t need! And two, the infertility story, so many struggle with this. most don’t know what to say to them. We’ve been blessed with both a IVF baby AND adoption! 🙂 ALSO I have to add, most have no idea there a babies and kiddos under 3 right here in IOWA that REALLY need an adoptive home. Get foster/adoption approved and meet with those with the info!
Brenda
I feel the same way, even though I was blessed with a natural miracle after 3 years of trying. I’m so glad I didn’t give up, and now have a baby to call my own.
Infertility sucks. There’s no way around it, and no way to sugar coat it, it does. It just goes to show that sometimes after the storm, you can walk through the rain and see a rainbow on the other side.
Oh my gosh, I just balled like a baby. It breaks my heart to hear of women that would kill to have babies, can’t conceive them, and that women who kill babies, can. The world is completely unfair </3
I want to say thank you for being so honest. My husband and I had the “infertility challenge” for 19 months and we were a month aways from IVF when our miracles appeared. I was ready to give at that point of a routine ultrasound; when our little miracles appeared. When they appeared on the screen, I sobbed and weeped through the rest of my exam. The twins were born happy and healthy in March 2012. So I tell everyone do not give up if this is truly what your heart desires for dreams do come true!
Thank you for sharing your story. I tink this same mindset applies to so many things, I am really glad you wrote this. I have known friends who have faced similar struggles, as well as friends who want to be stay home moms, but cannot fathom the financial side of it. Don’t get me wrong, many many people are like you guys ( and ME!!)and money is hard earned and goes quickly. But as you said, what IS worth fighting for?
My second child had major digestive issues and his formula and meds were incredibly expensive. When he was 2 months old and very sick, my husband lost his job. It was up to us to figure it out, we had no help. I, too, signed up for anything I could possibly do, or sell, or clean….in order to pay this formula each week.
I realize money is just a part of what couples face with infertility and there are many more factors. It’s important to not lose sight of what you DO have control over. <3
Thanks for sharing, Bethany. Just like anything else in life, if you want it bad enough, you sacrifice everything to get it. Glad yours was a great success! (love those babbies!)