WARNING… get ready for a lot of words and no pictures.
With a blog name like ‘Sawdust and EMBRYOS’ a lot of our newish readers are intrigued and confused, I’m sure. We hope that our Infertility tab is helpful in clearing up any questions. With that said, we get a LOT of emails from other women struggling with similar issues regarding their fertility and desire for a family.
It is one of my greatest joys to be able to encourage and support these women. My shoulders are meant to be cried on. It’s also an incredible burden to carry, because I share in their pain and relive my own story with each email. It all comes rushing back in a flood of raw emotions.
My one resounding bit of advice is always…. DON’T GIVE UP if this is a desire of your heart. If you were diagnosed with cancer, you wouldn’t sit back and patiently wait for a miracle… because treatment is expensive… or, you want to see God do something mighty in your life.
On the day that I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endo, and told that we would need IVF in order to conceive… my world crashed down around me. $12,000 might as well have been $12 million. It felt almost unreachable. ALMOST.
And that’s when we made a decision to fight. We had one mystery blog reader send us a check for $100, the rest… we saved every penny and paid IN CASH. We’re just regular people, who live paycheck to paycheck. But we dropped everything that was normal and comfortable to us, put our lives on hold. Picked up 2nd and 3rd jobs. Worked insane hours doing things that weren’t necessarily enjoyable to us.
I have a distinct memory of being at one of my side jobs… doing horse chores for a nearby ranch (and I don’t care for horses AT ALL). It was pouring rain, and I was trudging through the knee-deep mud and horse poo in the pasture, with untrained horses nudging me and fighting each other to be first to get to the food I was bringing them. One horse swung around and hit me with his backside and I want flying through the air and landed deep in the sludge. I just laid there and cried in the rain, with horses all around me eating the spilled grain. I just kept saying “It’s for the baby” … I chanted that often.
I also have a memory of standing in Walmart in the isle that has nightlights. Living in the country, it gets REALLY dark at night… and midnight trips to the bathroom can be a bit of a hazard. I stood there, looking at nightlights. The cheapest one was .99 cents. A battle was going on within me as I stood in the isle for what felt like an hour. “Do I want this nightlight more than I want a baby?” A question I asked myself before every purchase. We lived in an absurdly frugal way. We went without a LOT of things that we had taken for granted. For the baby. I walked away from the nightlight that day. That .99 cents needed to go towards my baby.
I’m telling you all this to demonstrate how small sacrifices add up quickly. Fertility treatments aren’t just for the rich people. If you want it bad enough, you’ll do whatever it takes. Don’t let it defeat you.
There may be some of you that choose to go toward the adoption route, or simply decide that you can be content with this ‘hand you’ve been dealt’. And THAT’S OK TOO! I’m not saying that everyone struggling with infertility should do what we did. If you feel in your heart that fertility treatments isn’t the direction you want to go (for whatever reason) then by all means, GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION!
Also, I want to address the fact that… for some, it never happens. This sounds harsh, but when I was in the throes of infertility, everyone was always sooo encouraging. “You’re going to be a great mom someday!” or “It’ll be your turn soon!” …and I know they were just trying to help. But nobody ever addressed the fact that, for some, IT NEVER HAPPENS.
I just wanted someone to be honest with me.
I just wanted someone to say, “although you may never get to be a mommy, you’re still a beautiful person with lots to offer the world”.
We only hear the success stories. Everyone knows someone that got pregnant even though the Dr’s said it would never happen. And those stories spread like wildfire because they’re so cheery and encouraging. But nobody talks about the middle-aged woman who quietly weeps everyday because it never happened for her.
It may not happen for you, but don’t let it be because you didn’t fight for it. Don’t leave yourself with any regrets.
We are one of the lucky ones. And there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think ‘what if I hadn’t fought?’
I’m SO glad I fought.
Photo by Molly Long
If anything in this post struck you wrong or offended you in any way, please don’t leave your thoughts in the form of a nasty comment on my blog. I welcome you (and anyone else) to email me. I’m an open person, and choose to share myself openly on my blog.