You might be surprised to learn that… as a blogger, it’s FAR easier to complete an entire DIY project and compose a blog post about it, than to write a heartfelt post about my personal life. Not because it’s hard for me to bear my soul… cause it’s not. I’m pretty darn open. It’s just hard to put words together to make a sentence that makes sense.
Who can describe how much they love their family? Or how painful it was to lose a grandfather? Or how it feels to wake up at night and wish you could hear a baby crying? Who can describe that moment when you heard your baby’s heartbeat for the first time?
But I do anyway. Because this is a blog about my life.
I know the vast majority of you are here to get some creative inspiration or eye candy… and it’s my overwhelming PLEASURE to supply that! But some of you are here because I’m real and I don’t sugar-coat my life. You identify with me because I’m a regular person. I don’t try to be fancy, or act like I have it all together. I’m just me. I don’t KNOW how to be any other way. And I’m honored and floored that you all stick around for it all. In a million years, I never dreamed I would be a successful blog author, with loyal readers/friends.
You guys rock my world.
WITH THAT BEING SAID…..
It’s our two-year Anniversary of our Embryo transfer. Two years ago I was a broken, empty shell-of-a-person. I had endured years of feeling inadequate as a woman. Pain that can’t be explained.
I had all my eggs in one basket (or Petrie dish I guess) as I laid on that cold stainless steel table in quiet desperation. With my own eyes, I watched the conception of my daughters on a computer screen, while holding my husband’s hand. It’s not everyone that gets to see their children on the cellular level.
More importantly, it’s not everyone that gets to HAVE children at all.
At church this past Sunday, the girls were being… lively and spirited during the service. There was a middle-aged woman and her teenage children sitting behind us. After the service ended, I smiled to the lady, and said “I’m sorry if my family was a distraction to you”. The woman smiled back and said, “oh honey, it’s okay… we’ve all been there.”
She was trying to make me feel better about my active toddlers. And I was grateful.
But the truth is, not everyone has been there, or will ever get the chance to be there.
As soon as the words came out of her mouth, I looked around the sanctuary, thinking… ‘that elderly woman over there, maybe she never got be there.’ …or… ‘that young couple over there, maybe they’re desperately trying to be there without success.’
Being directly in the center of a topic that is so rarely discussed in our society, I desperately hope that our story can be a beacon of light to anyone who is still trying.
Dear Barron Woman,
- You are perfect.
- You are whole.
- You are talented.
- You are beautiful.
- You have purpose.
- You are not defined by your reproductive system.
I know ‘it’s easy for me to say these things now’, but they are all the things I wished somebody would tell me when I was in the darkest pit of infertile torment. And they are all true statements. NO MATTER YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES.
I still watch this video all the time. Sometimes I still can’t believe it.
Jennifer Q. says
Thank you for this video and helping me in keeping the faith. Ovarian cysts and two failed IUI’s I’m starting to feel pretty broken. Someday maybe I can afford IVF but for now just wanting a miracle. Again, thank you for the kind words! P.S. your girlies are precious!
After 6 failed IUI cycles, 1 IVF cycle, several other procedures and years of TTC, I was broken. It has been 9 years since we got our (first) BFP from an FET cycle. It was so surreal. I will never forget the heartache I experienced when dealing with infertility and my heart still hurts for those who continue to deal with it. I do not believe I have ever felt something so painful as the emotional pain I endured during my struggles with infertility.
Katrina Gelino says
Thank you, I’m that woman. I fear I’ll never have children and I’m so tired of failed medicated cycles….I hope someday we can figure out how to afford IVF, because honestly….I just don’t have hope that it will work any other way. Thank you for showing so much love and support to those of us that continue to struggle. xoxo
Beth in the City says
Thank you for sharing this. I have had the privilege of being allowed into the pain for two of my friends. I care so much and try to be supportive and watch for ways that I can show love and sometimes maybe even protect them. We are so much more than our reproductive organs but I know some days they seem to rule us!
Emily H says
This really is an amazing story. Just last week I was browsing through your blog and reading more about your story. I watched the video… it’s very emotional!
I have a journal entry from when I was a girl and I wrote that my biggest fear would be if I wasn’t able to have children. I definitely didn’t think it would be easy for me. I have watched family and friends struggle with fertility issues and when after our first time “trying” I came up positive, I knew that I was given an enormous blessing that many do not get. I have learned to be extremely sensitive and to not even dare ask a couple when or if they plan on having kids. You just don’t know what pain someone could be going through and it could end up being a very uncomfortable subject.
Anyways, thanks for sharing your story. Those two girlies are adorable. There couldn’t be more deserving parents!
Holly Green says
Thank you. I needed that.
Jessica Terrence says
I have pictures of my sweet babe (and the other two who didn’t make it) right before they were implanted. I like to think I know which of the three is her. She looks like a perfect little flower. 8 cells. Wow. I love your video. It brought tears to my eyes, because I felt exactly like that too. Love your blog. I stop in for every post. 🙂
Nicole Goodwin says
I’m SO happy you have your babies too. They are my little bit of sunshine in a house full of blue and green. I thank God for you and your story with a happy ending. Love you.
I am so happy that you were able to have children. It’s definitely not a topic I hear about often but I am glad to hear that yours ended up being a good one. A successful one. Two beautiful girls you have!
Bless your heart for sharing your story with the world. I myself tried to have children for fifteen years. It was not easy. However, my husband and I now have an adopted son who will be four years old tomorrow. What a joy he has brought to our lives. I will continue to follow your DIY projects and your life as a parent. Thank you!
Kenz @ Interiors By Kenz says
I wonder if it will ever “happen” for me. If not. It’s okay. I believe in adoption. I believe I am strong enough to “mourn the loss of my blood posterity.” When we go to church, I always make sure to sit behind any family with several children. I love making faces at them and seeing them be “lively” during services. It’s a great joy.
Thank you for your words of support. I know you understand what it feels like.
Hello! I emailed you a few months back about my own twins coceived via IVF. Empty shell of a person is exactly how I felt, too,and once you have your children, the “infertile” diagnosis is not so easily dropped from your psyche. I am so grateful and keep all the women longing for children in my daily prayers. So happy for you and your girls!
I love reading your blog for many reasons, and one of them being hope. We have only been TTC for just over a year but had a miscarriage earlier this summer. It’s been a tough road – and when finding someone who can not only relate (your reference to yearning to hear a baby’s cry in the middle of the night made me tear up…I cannot wait to hear that once again) and who can voice how you feel it’s such a relief. To know that there is hope one way or another and I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do is so comforting. God bless your babies – the best miracle of all! – and thank you for being so open and straightforward!
You are the first person I have ever actually taken the time to go back to, to read, for inspiration, and for news. I am one of the anonymous names in your comments, and I don’t comment on everything buuuut I just love coming back to yours. I usually get my news fix from facebook and instagram but your blog is the only blog where I sit down at the computer, click in the little box at the top and type in… sawdust and embryos .com. It pops up instantly when I type in ‘saw’ but I usually enjoy typing in the whole thing… Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you, but I have an interest in your life. I really don’t stay online too much but I feel like I know you. I have 2 kids (4 and 2-just turned 2 yesterday)but this is our one year anniversary of not conceiving for a whole year. We started for our 3rd this time last year, so its odd to me to not conceive again. Anyway, I sound like I am just rambling but you remind me of 2 different ladies in my family that live in Indiana. So I think that is why I always come back to you.. One is supposed to have conception complications -according to her doctors, the other just hasn’t hit that conception point yet but BOTH receive to be healthy and full of eggs! So as I pray for them you will cross my mind as a testimony among many that it does happen, and it will happen 🙂 I think its great you got to see your children on a cellular level… You literally knew your kids from the absolute start.. Not many people can say that at all.
Blessings from anonymous 😉
Amanda Sandoval says
That video still makes me cry when I watch it. I’m glad your struggle for children had a happy ending 🙂
I come for it all, I love your story about the babies, love to see the babies, and then I love the DIY, but I don’t do DIY very well, not at all! Thanks for sharing, crazy video. Mary in NY
Mrs Bishop says
Thank you for sharing! As a fellow infertile who now has a child, it’s good to see others who have been on a similar journey. It’s so hard wanting to have a family and feeling so inadequate. Thanks for sharing your journey! You have a beautiful family!
Mrs. Lloyd says
I love your posts about infertility, because I have been there. It’s one of the hardest things your heart can go through. You are an inspiration to all infertile women!
I remember sobbing uncontrollably when I read your post about the extent of your endometriosis. My heart broke. I KNEW you’d be a good mom and I work with so many who just aren’t. GAAAAHHHH!! Anyway, I still remember the first time I watched this video. I sobbed. Who the heck am I kidding. I’m crying as I write this.
I am so thankful you are a mommy. I am also thankful that you remain sensitive to those around you who continue to struggle through their crises.
So very much love to you. Now I’ll go find some tissues and will celebrate this anniversary in my heart all day long.
I enjoy coming here and seeing pictures of your little girls as they grow and change. I am glad that you were blessed to have two beautiful girls after dealing with infertility.
My husband and I just did our first IVF cycle. Our negative test was two weeks ago tomorrow. My heart still hurts. But I take comfort in the fact that we can and will try again. Hoping that we get our blessing(s) yet!