The girls are at an age where they’re so FUN! They interact with each other. They play pretend. They say new words everyday, and are stringing lots of words together. They say the most hilarious things. I need to start writing them down so I can remember to share.
We’ve been noticing that our girl Della is so sweet and full of personality when her sister isn’t around, and have been making a point to separate the girls and have one-on-one time with each multiple times a week. If one of us needs to make a quick run to town for errands, we take a girl with us… and leave the other home with the spouse. We’re hoping that this will allow Della’s personality to blossom.
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Paisley is a natural leader (aka BossyPants). She’s not mean about it, but Dell naturally sinks back into her ‘follower role’. While she’s in her ‘follower role’, she’s whiney, (understandably so), and becomes disobedient, stubborn, and takes toys away. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
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The other day she refused to help put toys away before bedtime and threw an epic tantrum. We ended up telling her she just had to put one little tractor away and she could be done. Friends, she cried and refused for 4 hours until she fell asleep on the time-out mat. Now that’s persistence!
Don’t get me wrong, Paisley has her moments too.
And yet somehow, in the midst of all this, I still miss them when they’re sleeping. I still love them so hard it hurts. I still love planning activities, and watching them learn new things. I love knowing that they are my little people, and I’m their mommy.
I have 2 year old twins… boy and girl. And this post was awesome to read. It also helps to know you are not alone when dealing with twins. I love seeing their personalities develop, and love seeing them together, but we need to get better about spending one-on-one time with each.
Speaking as a Twin and Mother; I think you are on the right track. The worst thing I feel parents can do is put twins in the same classrooms, the same swim class, dressed a like (even in different colors), just to name a few. I think you are doing great! Personal time – Awesome idea!
Sometimes I cry for 4 hours when I’m asked to clean up too 🙂 but seriously, you are amazing. You inspire me to be a good mama. I’m glad we are friends. I appreciate your example.
We have three kids under three (soon to be four kids under three, but that’s another story). We make it a point too to spend time alone with each one. I think it helps so much, if not them, then certainly us. You get to see a whole other side of a child when they aren’t with their siblings. Plus it works like a “treat” to get to be the one who goes with daddy to the library or to be the one staying home and making cookies with mom. I enjoy getting to know my kids in different surroundings, I’m glad you’re getting to see their personalities change!
My girls are the same way! I’m wondering since our girls (yours & mine) are only 3 days apart maybe it could be a developmental thing? Are your girls a little clingy right now too? Or fight for your attention?
Clingy… YES. Crazy that our girls are so close in age!
I can’t imagine having two girlies to throw 2 year old tantrums. I’ve got a 2 year old little boy and he makes me want to pull my hair out on a daily basis! (Although secretly I was laughing at the FOUR hour tantrum about putting a tractor away – that girl’s got stamina!)
You’re a great mom and I’m glad you let us come along for the ride!
Just wanted to say that EVERY one of these pictures is adorable .. .but I love the last one especially. I think you are doing a great job and doing the hard things even when it is really hard. The timeout mat picture is precious. Brings back memories of some of my own “battle of wills” 🙂 (I know there are thousands of parenting books out there . . but I’ve just been reading a bunch of Kevin Leman’s books and am REALLY enjoying them:))
Ahh, sounds like your little sweetling is trying to be assertive, even if she didn’t pick the most opportune time! Sometimes making them feel like they have choices can be really empowering for them. i.e., “would you like to pick up the books or the blocks today?”
My boys are nearly two years apart, and they really do thrive in their time spent apart from one another!
You might look at Love and Logic and see if their practices might help you. I learned it as a teacher and then learned more of it as a parent. Very helpful!
Thank you Kathleen, I need to get that book!
I’ve learned recently that there’s a parenting love and logic book too that’s more specific to parenting and less classroom examples! Haven’t read either but would like to! 🙂
There’s also a love and logic book specifically for toddlers. I don’t necessarily follow all their guidelines, but there are a lot of great ideas in there.
Aw, I’m sorry. 4 hours, that is impressive. My 2.5 year old bosses around the 1.5 year old. He still is himself, but she screams at him and bosses him around. Which I tell her not to do.
I’m sure there are struggles no matter the age gap! Plus, I think girls are just bossy by nature… HA! 🙂
Your girls are so adorable. And I laughed out loud about your story of how Paisley fell asleep on her time out mat.
It was so cute and heartbreaking at the same time!
I can relate to your problems having raised two children (not twins) but 3 years apart and the older one very bossy and the younger one very easy going. I did not know what to do and was at a lost until I read Dr. Spock’s baby books. Actually, I read everything I could get my hands on and then picked my favorite which was Dr. Spock. He has lots of very good advise and it was very helpful. My “children” are now in their 40s and still like each other very much and get along. Read as much as you can and take from the reading what you know in your heart is right. You will be alright and the girls will be too. And try to have more fun while doing it. Don’t take things so seriously. It doesn’t seem like it at the time but the years go very fast and the one thing I say now is that if I could do it all over again I would have more fun doing it!
I’m glad your children still like each other. 🙂 I’ll have to check out Dr. Spock’s books! And I love your advice for trying to have fun in the process. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and frustrated and miss the precious moments that are passing by so quickly.
My “babies” are young adults now but I feel your pain. Although they are not twins but five years apart and have very different personalities the struggle was still the same. My oldest about to be twenty one was the follower and the youngest sixteen this year was definitely the leader. I found in my most insane moments the key was consistency.
Remember that in their struggles to fight you on things to throw tantrums etc, they are learning how to express their feelings and what is accepted behavior and also self control. Stay calm and deal with what comes keep loving them and kissing them but mostly be their mother and not their best friend. Remember my mantra…”this too shall pass” a little wine doesn’t hurt either..hehe. Seriously though, as long as you are consistent there will be a huge light at the end of the tunnel. Enjoy this precious time with them it will fly by.
You are doing a fantastic job. We don’t hear that very often as mommies so take comfort in knowing you have the hardest and most wonderful job anyone could ever have!!
God Bless you and your family!
xoxo
This too shall pass… and WINE! I love that! 🙂
Oh Bethany my twin boys are the same way! One is more dominant personality wise and our other little guy is just cool with letting his brother get the lion’s share of attention. We too have noticed he really blossoms (and talks more!) when we have him one on one. We need to work one on one time with them into our daily schedule better (thanks for the reminder and good ideas on that!). They just turned three and things seem to be evening out a bit, so maybe it gets better with age too.
I once got locked into an epic battle of wills about clean up time with one of my boys. I called my husband in desperation because I had tried everything I could think of short of giving in and nothing had worked. He suggested gently making him do what I had asked him to do while saying lots of positive things “Good job picking up your toys!” This strategy worked well for us when they were going through a particularly stubborn stage. Usually I only had to do the guided enforcement for one toy and then he would willingly pick up the rest. Anywho, just a thought!
Ugh Katy, our battle was epic too. We tried everything. We encouraged her, bribed her, flattered her offered to help carry the tractor, I don’t think she would have given in if we were torturing her. Maybe she should be a Navy Seal. I don’t know what to make of it, but I feel like we need to break her before the teenage years. Can you imagine?!
Just found your blog last night and really have enjoyed it. I don’t have twins but am a mom and teacher, so here’s my two cents… When you say you tried everything, you kept encouraging her to keep up the battle b/c she was winning. She’s not picking up the toy and she’s getting your attention – often when they are little, they want attention no matter how much you are already giving them, even if the attention is negative. Next time, if she doesn’t pick up the toy, tell her she has a choice to pick up the toy or go to timeout (a couple of minutes – 5 max). Do not talk to her in timeout at all. As long as she’s safe, just completely ignore her (well, it will probably be impossible, but make it seem like her tantrum isn’t affecting you at all so she thinks you are ignoring her). She needs to see you are in control not her. When she gets out, hand her the toy calmly and tell her to put it away with specific instructions for how (“Okay, now take this bear and put it in that basket.”) If she still refuses, act like it’s no big deal and tell her that she can’t play with that toy for the rest of the day. If she balks at that, again just carry on matter-of-factly and ignore her protests. Again, just an idea of an approach that has worked with little ones I’ve taught. Love your blog and your story.
I’m an identical twin and have no experience raising kids yet (I have one on the way!). So I can’t give you much advice. But I can say that I was the more dominant twin growing up and now, in our mid-late-ish twenties, it is the opposite. It probably started changing just out of college. For the most part, my twin was okay with being the “submissive” one, until a point. And when she wanted her way, she’d find a way to get it. There’s probably a “best” way to handle this situation, but just keep doing the best you can. It’s obvious you parent with lots of love in your heart and that shows through. xoxo
Jennifer! It’s fascinating to hear thoughts from an actual twin! It makes me feel like I should worry a lot less about how they’ll turn out. 🙂 Thanks for sharing your experience!
I love your blog and your cute family. I don’t have twins. I have a 7 year old boy. a five year old girl, and a 2 year old boy. But even with the spacing it’s hard to make sure everyone’s needs are met. My youngest is just waking up from a nap when my oldest gets home from school and needs some attention etc etc. So we do the separate them thing too. My husband and I take turns taking them on “dates” We try to keep it free if possible, but they love it and so do we. I think you are on the right track.
good luck with the toy thing. My sweet daughter will give anything to her younger brother and I have to not let her sometimes or we’ll create a monster:)
I’m glad that your ‘date nights’ with individual children works out well for you. I didn’t realize how important this would be at such a young age for them!
This is my life. It’s so hard to give each girl what they need when they are together all the time! I need to take a page from your book and work on separating them some. Recently, my girls have switched roles somewhat. It’s bizarre. My independent sassy pants is in my lap cuddling a lot more and sissy is playing by herself and showing AMAZING imagination skillz. Every day is so challenging, but there is nothing more rewarding. I love them so much it hurts and I think of them constantly when I can’t be with them (working).
Isn’t it remarkable (and terrifying) to watch two little parallel lives develop before your eyes?
Our twins are almost 6 and, I hate to say it, it’s not a sibling rivalry thing, these are their personality trait. With twins, it’s really hard not to compare them to one another, I know. It makes total sense (they were born on the same day, they’re both girls, etc.) but you have to remind yourself that they are two totally different people. Each one is going to have their own quirks and idiosyncrasies, just like any other pair of siblings. I remember wondering why our twins weren’t more alike when they were toddlers, why one would always want to “help” when the other wouldn’t, why one would gravitate to one parent over the other (and then do the opposite the next day), and why in the world one would play quietly in the corner when there were a dozen other kids at the playdate. The answer was simple – that’s just who they are.
The best advice I can give is to love them both, even in the hard times, but remember that each of them is unique in how they see the world and how they react. Maybe one day you make Dell “the leader.” Let her choose the book at storytime, let her start picking up toys when it’s time, let her “help” without being asked. Find her positive traits and play them up. If Paisley is already the more independent one, Dell might just need that extra nudge. And don’t forget that they’re still only 2 years-old. This too shall pass. 🙂
So true Jody! They’re wildly different. And I’m just worried that I won’t nurture them the way they each uniquely need to be nurtured.
I love hearing about the twins differences. I have a very similar situation here! Alone time away from each other is such a good idea, we’ve found it works well too. Thanks for sharing!!
Ugh Cryst… I wish you lived closer so I could cry on your shoulder some days, and you could share your vast twin-knowledge. 🙂
Also, I just SUPER miss you.
FOUR. HOURS?!
Way to be consistent, Mama. I think I might’ve broken before she did!!
She’s impressively stubborn, huh? After an hour, we thought for sure she’d break soon, and the more time wore on, the more we felt like we had to persevere. We’re not sure if it was the right thing… but yeah. It happened. And it sucked.
This is a beautiful post! My twin girls are similar. Lily is the bossypants, and Amelia is the follower. They are 2 1/2 (how??). We rarely separate them, but maybe we should make it a priority. Thanks for sharing your girls, they are adorable.
Robin! I’m glad I’m not alone! I can’t believe all our girls are the same age! Do you live in central Iowa and want to have playdates? A girl can wish. 🙂 Ok but seriously… what do you do when one twin is taking a toy away, but then the other twin decides to be nice and give it to her. I don’t want to stifle her generous spirit, but I also don’t want the other girl to think that she entitled to everything. This is our #1 struggle at the moment. 🙂
I didnt have twins but my girls were 18 months apart. We did a lot of you have to give to get. “If you want Sissy’s toy and she wants to share let’s find something for Sissy to play with.”
Hi there! I’ve been a reader for some time, but seldom comment. As I have five children, I know exactly what you are struggling with. While I’m no expert (I breathed a huge sigh or relief when our ‘bossy’ started Kindergarten so that ‘sweety’ could finally develop his own identity), I do have to say that alone time is very good. So I’d say you’re on the right track there. As far as taking toys and advantage of generous siblings, whenever ‘bossy’ decides he/she wants a toy, and just takes it away, I still always correct the bad behavior. You can say to ‘bossy’ that “we don’t take toys from someone without asking” then have them hand it back and practice asking for the toy. I think that aslo helps empower ‘sweety’ or at least helps her realize that she has rights too.
And as a parent, I’ve come to realize that my kids ask for love and attention in the most inconvenient ways. You know that saying “the kids who behave the worst, need our love the most”? I’d say Dell is going through a painful emotional growth spurt and simply needs extra love, cuddling, and attention. Let her know you are there for her, but don’t let her break rules or misbehave to get your attention.
Perhaps being a twin has something to do with it. I would be very curious to know, as I’m expecting twins! I love the website thetwincoach.com. It has great parenting tips for any parent, but I will definitely be combing the archives now that her twin topics will apply to me!
Good luck! Toddlers are difficult, but two at the same age requires double the patience and creativity!
Such words of wisdom, thank you for sharing! I agree that Dell must be going through some sort of painful emotional growth spurt… you hit the nail on the head! I just don’t know how to love her without letting her walk all over me. I’ve been making a point to give her lots of snuggles and complements when she’s being good (or neutral).
CONGRATS on your twin pregnancy! How exciting! I think you’ll find that the joys of twins far outweigh the struggles. It’s fascinating watching two little parallel lives develop before your eyes. I’m going to go check out that website you suggested now!