Yesterday seems like a dream. In the morning we scurried to finish up some projects, get laundry done, and head to Des Moines to get knocked up.
The nurses started defrosting our two microscopic children first thing in the morning. It’s a process that takes several hours, and we were told we would ONLY be notified if both embryos didn’t ‘make it’. But you know I was calling and inquiring all morning. I’m pretty sure the staff knew I loved those little babes.
I documented our day on facebook and instagram, so many of you knew that one of our embryos thawed out like a champ… but the other one was struggling. The cells weren’t dividing, and he just didn’t appear to be progressing. But they said there was still hope, and sometimes they can take right up until the transfer to really make some progress.
We got to the clinic, checked in and got our paperwork… and WAITED.
Then we were ushered into a changing room where I changed into a gown, and Nick changed into scrubs. We posted this pic on IG and FB right before the procedure… and were BLOWN away by all the love and support from our family, friends, and readers. We have never had so many likes on one Facebook post!
I was a ball of nerves, and feeling emotional. So many things to process. But I still held out hope for our little buddy to fight hard and pull through.
So you can imagine my disappointment when they handed me this photo. I knew a piece of my heart was gone forever.
I know how painfully selfish this sounds to all you dear people that are still trying and would give anything for one strong embryo… but this was HEARTBREAKING for me. It doesn’t help that I’ve allowed myself to picture the two of them swinging together, and eating popsicles, and playing soccer. Those were reckless thoughts. That little embryo, while microscopic, has all the DNA that would determine whether his hair was curly or straight. Whether his eyes were green or blue. Whether he would be outgoing or shy.
I begged the Dr to put them both in me anyways. Maybe the little guy just needs his mother’s love? But they wouldn’t. Part of me wonders if it was for documentation reasons, and worrying about clinic statistics. But they rattled off some excuse that the one embryo would release toxins that wouldn’t be healthy for the strong embryo.
I held it together. They put my thriving embryo inside me… the whole procedure taking about 5 minutes. All this saving $ for months, needles and side-effects. The anticipation. For a 5 minutes procedure.
And then I laid on the cold metal table on my back, as instructed, for 30 minutes. I stared at the ceiling. And then the flood gates opened.
I just cried… and it was an ugly cry too. I knew I should be focusing on the fact that THERE’S A LITTLE PERSON INSIDE ME! But I needed to grieve the loss of my little one first. I wanted to hold him for the first and last time. I wanted to tell him I loved him. That he had two older sisters.
My friend texted me the most perfect and profound thing: It’s okay to not be okay for now. That was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.
It was a quiet ride home. So many things to process. My heart being torn in two different directions. I didn’t expect the loss of an embryo to be this painful.
But I also forgot the indescribable feeling of having a life inside of me. The Dr was sure to let us know that we only have a 45% chance of this healthy embryo to turn into a baby… but I’m soaking up the fact that he’s ALIVE RIGHT NOW. And he’s INSIDE me. We are together.
I’m here to say that there IS such a thing as ‘kinda pregnant’.
I AM KINDA PREGNANT!
We were given a a piece of paper that describes what happens next, and I found it fascinating, so I shall share it with you!
Your embryo will absorb nourishment from the uterine walls. Implantation is essentially a matter of cell division continuing which will develop fingerlike projections that will grow into the side of the uterus. This will occur within the next 3-4 days.
Crazy huh? You better believe I’ll be taking it easy and soaking up the presence of the little guy… knowing that this might be my only time with him. Nick has been pampering me, cleaning the house, caring for the girls, making sure I’m not jostling our buddy around.
I feel profoundly thankful for this huge blessing, and for the incredible medical advances that we get to take advantage of. I want to thank all of you for your prayers and encouragement, and most importantly my family and friends for their thoughtful texts and support. And to all those friends that have taken care of the girls while we’re at appointments or painting backsplashes… THANK YOU. I feel like this has been a group effort!
And now we wait.
Our bloodtest to test for pregnancy is scheduled for 6/24. That’s 11 days. We can DO THIS!
The ultimate DIY.
I just started reading your blog (found you while looking for Roman shade tutorials). I spent the last hour searching for this pregnancy update and was so thrilled to see that you are pregnant again. I’ve been through 3 early pregnancy miscarriages and I found comfort in reading your response to losing 1 of your embryos. I remember those feelings, especially of wanting to hold your little baby just that 1 time. I just wanted to share that I can relate and thank you for sharing your heart. Best of luck with your pregnancy! I look forward to following along!
I looked at the picture of the embryo and its got a little crown. with a little bit of fantasy off course.
Sandy and Bill says
Wow Bethany just read your post with tears in my eyes. We are so with you and feel the pain for you over the loss of this little one. I truly believe he or she is going to be waiting for you in heaven. We are praying for all of you that this little one does what it is suppose to do. Love you guys. P.s. Loved seeing those darling little girls at the wedding.
Capturing joy says
Oh wow! Prayers!
I remember finding and reading your blog before I was even blogging, before you even had your girls and tears came to my eyes reading this post. I’ve seen so many backsplash posts and my husband even hears about your backsplashes and your story! (lol!) You are truly so inspiring to me and I am praying so hard for you and your little one! And mourning the one you lost. Your friend is right, it’s okay to not be okay right now. I just hope that the remaining embryo holds on tight and is born in 9 months to what is such a loving family!
Ruth E. Chidley says
Dear Beth and Nick,
I could not help but shed tears at the loss of your little one. I, too, have gone through times of loss and know God is the only one that can bring true comfort. When I just now shared with my husband about the outcome of your babies he immediately took my hand and prayed for you and the new baby you carry. We will continue to pray for you both to remain strong and healthy. We look forward to the day you, Nick and the girls get hold your new family member in your arms.
Love and Hugs,
Ruth E. and Alan
Jeni Flaa says
Thanks for sharing your experience. This post brought tears to my eyes. We’ll be thinking of you and your family!
Hugs for your loss & prayers for your progress!
Love you guys. Can’t wait to see you in a few weeks.
Oh please god, let it be.
Kim Jones says
I was thinking about you and Nick yesterday. I am so sorry to hear about your little embryo and hope for the best for your other embryo!! I hope the pampering continues and you have a relaxing 11 days. I’ll be crossing my fingers and toes and thinking of you.
I haven’t saved up enough for IVF yet, but I’ve done several IUI’s (all failed), and although nothing was fertilized I still felt a sense of loss every single month we did IUI’s with injections. There’s just something about seeing your healthy eggs waiting to be fertilized on the screen that made me feel like they were alive you know….some would think that mourning the loss of what “could have been” is nuts, but until you walk a day in an infertile’s shoes….they’ll never really understand.
Stay strong momma….happy thoughts and lots of daydreaming these next few days!
Meagan Dobbs says
I love what “PA” said above. So true. you can love and cherish three while simultaneously aching for #4. Let yourself mourn. I ache for you, friend, and your loss. But i also rejoice baby three may be on the way! We’ll be praying hard for a healthy “kinda pregnancy” and that it turns into a full out healthy 9 months! Let us know if you need ANYTHING!!!
Oh Bethany! Crying as I read this, I grieve for the loss of your little one, and the pain you and nick are feeling. I’m hugging my babies tighter today. Thank you for sharing.
Holly Carter says
Your little guy who didn’t make it is in good hands! God is so good, praying in a short 9 months you’ll be holding a bouncing baby boy
Oh I cried with you through this entire post. Yay for kinda pregnant and praying for y’all still 🙂
Mary Beth says
A loss is a loss, no matter how small. I feel that heartache with you, and I’m so sorry for the loss of your embryo. Congratulations on the one they put inside you! I will be praying for you and your family!
I test for pregnancy on June 26th! Though not IVF I had one good follicle on my right overy. My left made only tinny ones. This is such a hard journey. Thanks for sharing and being so honest about your feelings. If I’m not prego I’ll probably morn that little egg.
Couldn’t ask for better parents! Take it easy, positive thoughts, ENJOY!
Terri Miller says
I wish I could do more than love you through words and prayers. You were such an important part of my early healing in my grief journey! (You probably have no clue what a blessing you and your family were/are too me). I am praying for your heart, dear one.
I’ve been reading for over a year now and have never commented before. I just think it is so amazing that you think of your embryos and babies because they are and not everyone thinks that. I’m so sorry for your loss and am praying that your baby pulls through. My little guy turned 4 months today and I have loved him since before I was pregnant with him, if that makes sense?
Tearfully praying for you this morning. Just remember the Maker of all things is holding you in His hands today and always.
Sheila Johnston says
Congratulations! You are in my prayers.
I’m so so sorry you lost your embryo.
And wishing you a healthy and successful pregnancy!
Cathy J says
Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us. Even though we probably will never meet in person, I feel as if I know you and your family. My daughter has twin boys and I love to hear your stories of your beautiful daughters. I am grieving with you today and praying for you and the wonderful life that is within you. Please know that many prayers are being lifted up, especially over the next 11 days.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Sending positive vibes in your direction.
Sad for your loss but happy for your success. I know one doesn’t cancel out the other but your job now is to concentrate on the viable little person that you have growing inside you. Pamper yourself, pace yourself, rest yourself and everything else you need to do to get that little stinker here! As for the little one that is lost to your family, he is in wonderful place with angels as babysitters and the Lord to wrap His arms around him. I am praying for you Beth. You are one strong woman with a strong man behind you. I know it will all go well for everyone.
deborah chalupa says
All my love for you and the little one to grow strong into a brother or sister for those 2 adorable kiddo’s .Best to your family
Stacy Risenmay says
First of all, thank you for sharing your journey and allowing us to be a small part of it. We are all praying for you guys! I have so much HOPE 🙂
Just dropping in to send you good thoughts and prayers for you, your family, and your sweet little embryos.
Team Mary in NY says
Rooting for you all! Hoping for many blessing on 6/24
Praying for all of you especially the new little one. Hang on tight sweet one.
Thinking of you. Good luck and hope that other little one stays healthy and nestled in.
Ashley @ My Craftily Ever After says
My heart is with you today as your grieve for the baby you lost and also as you celebrate being kinda pregnant. You are so amazingly strong and capable and this little dude is so lucky to be nestled in your uterus!
Jill Pick says
In tears here! Thanks for sharing! I can’t even imagine what you are going through but also know if anyone is strong enough to get through it you and Nick are! Thinking of you! Thoughts and prayers! Jill
Thinking and praying for you and your family. I will send positive vibes to your sweet family.
Oh my heart! I will pray my guts out for you two and your little family. So much love to you!
Thinking of you Bethany! I can’t imagine how difficult yesterday must have been and all the anticipation now. You guys are amazing and I wish you the best!!
Bethany, thoughts are prayers are with you! As someone who has lost two pregnancies and struggled for 3 years for my two year old little miracle, I absolutely understand your grief and struggle. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. This little guy is strong, and he will make it through! Nick needs some more testosterone in the house, so I’m holding on to him being a boy! Thanks for sharing this process and infertility with the world.
I can empathize, unfortunately and I sit here crying for you, with you and then remembering my little ones I lost. 🙁 It is hard to be excited when you want to try-and it is surely a process. We had embryos that didn’t make it-many, and this all makes so much sense. Praying for you and for this cute little one growing in you as I type this! May you find peace, in the right time, and may we know that somehow the celebration of ‘kinda pregnant’ is bittersweet.
Many prayers going up for you and this little one over the next 11 days!
Bonnie Panicko says
My prayers are with you n your family as you grieve ur loss and stay strong for your little embryo!! Can’t imagine what u are growing through!! Best wishes to your family. Sending good thoughts I found out I was pregnant with both my kiddos on my bday 6/26 so hoping for ur good news. Sending hugs from chitown
Nancy Alberts says
Beth and Nick,
I am soo sorry for your sadness. I pray you will feel the comfort of your family, friends and Almighty God.
I am also soo very happy for this new life you are allowing to be created within you. What a joy and a blessing. Thank you for taking us all along on your journey – you are a very special young woman.
God Bless you and your loved ones, I will be hugging you in my heart as you wait to hear.
Francie @ Escovedo Escapades says
You keep saying “he,” did I miss something? Is it possible to already know the gender?
I’m praying for you all. Oh! And your friend is right, it’s ok to NOT be okay right now. A very wise friend.
Bethany @ Sawdust and Embryos says
No we do not know the genders, but it didn’t feel right calling him ‘it’. 🙂
Meagan B. says
I’ve never thought of the IVF process as the “ultimate DIY” but my gosh, you hit it on the head. I’m sending happy and positive thoughts your way and hope that you have plenty to keep your mind occupied. I know that DIYing was the only thing that kept me sane during the waiting process and I couldn’t have been happier to know that my little one was helping me to create some awesome projects while we waited for the official news.
If a mother of four lost a child, you wouldn’t tell her not to grieve because she has other healthy children. You can be grateful for what you have, even joyous for what you have, and still be heartbroken for what you lost, and what you don’t have. Two separate tracks. One doesn’t cancel the other out.
(I’ve followed your blog for a little bit now, I never spoke up before but I’ve been praying for you.)
Bethany, you’re bringing me to tears this morning! I wish you all the best and am praying for you!
Your post on facebook and this blog post have both almost brought me to tears. My heart pulls for you both, your struggle has really made me realize how much I want children. I want little people to grow in me and be cherished just like you cherish your children. Best of luck with your embryo!
Amazing! Truly Amazing!!
I wish you and your family all the very best! Stay positive and sending thoughts to you miles and miles away!!!
Can’t wait to hear the good news!
I know how you are feeling…
I found out all in one day that not only was I pregnant but miscarrying at the same time and that was almost 2 years ago…. It still hurts and sucks…
I hope nothing for the best for you… lots of pregnancy vibes for you!!!
I feel your heart… Praying and believing with you guys.