Reality Daydream

The Dream is Free, The Hustle Sold Separately

The Pain of Infertility

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The title of our blog ‘Sawdust and Embryos’ is a reflection of two things that define our lives. Sawdust represents our creativity, carpentry, design, craftiness, etc. And the Embryos? Embryos represent an affliction that doesn’t define us, but absolutely has played a pivotal roll in our marriage, our family… our life. While trying to remain sensitive to our infertile readers, our little miracle baby girls are our world. And we want to shout it from the rooftops! But at the same time, infertility still lurks in the crevices of my heart. I hurt for my friends and family members that have unfairly been stricken with this affliction. Research shows that someone suffering from infertility has similar psychological effects as someone diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I was wasting time on Pinterest last night while Nick watched something uninteresting on TV, and I noticed that someone had pinned our Pregnancy Announcement Video. At first I was flattered that someone enjoyed it enough, or possibly was even inspired enough by our story that they felt compelled to pin it. Then I noticed that LOTS of people had REpinned it. And then I noticed a comment someone left on the pin. This is what it said:  

‘whatever… it doesn’t happen for everyone’.

My first reaction was to feel defensive. How dare this person assume that it was so easy for me? She didn’t have a window into my immeasurable devastation and anguish. She didn’t see me working 90 hours a week, shoveling horse manure in subzero temperatures, crying and whispering under my breath ‘it’s for the baby’ while we saved for InVitro.

And then I felt really sad. Her comment is exactly what I would have said two years ago. I’ll be the first to admit that, although we always hear the wonderful success stories, for some people, it truly never happens for them. They struggle in silent unspeakable pain. Years go by. Tens of thousands of dollars are wasted. And those poor women grow old with an empty womb, empty arms… a permanent ache in their heart. This is an unspeakable tragedy. Every woman should be able to feel little fingers wrapping around her own, little footsteps in the kitchen, fingerpaint all over the walls.

I like to think that our story encourages and inspires others to FIGHT! But I know for some, our story is ‘just another success story that happens to someone else’. And those are understandable feelings. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this… but I wanted to make it known that this issue still weighs heavily on my heart. Please be compassionate and understanding when encountering a struggling friend. Their pain is raw and real.

Image found here

I know I’ve talked about this before on the blog, but I wanted to share some important etiquette for those that have a friend struggling with infertility. You may think you’re being encouraging, when in fact you’re causing more pain. The following article was found here.

Don’t Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant. Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
 
Don’t Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy. Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
 
Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.
 
Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
 
Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.”
 
Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose. You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
 
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
 
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.
 
Remember Them on Mother’s Day
With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.

Comments

  1. 22

    I have lived this pain. I have taken so many pregnancy tests that I should own stock. This was me for 6 years. I started to resent hope. We never gave up, never stopped trying, never relaxed. After seeking fertility help and all other options failed, we turned to IVF. And yet also found salvation in Ukraine. I was very impressed by medicine in this poor country. Our medicine center was also in Kiev city. Our clinic even provides us with transfer any time we wanted. Now I look back and remember how much it hurt – emotionally to not understand why it failed. I also now look at the three children that followed those years of pain and just rejoice with joy. I will NEVER take for granted this life. Infertility made us so much stronger.

    Reply
  2. 23

    I ran accross this blog by complete accident. And I’ve never seen or read anything like this. It was so nice to hear that I wasn’t the crazy one who secretly cried at all the baby showers and at my siblings pregnancy announcements. I know family means well and all but, at least mine, would go out of their way not to tell me things about their pregnancies or babies. That’s hard. Reading the statistic you posted about the psycological feelings accociated with infertility are proccessed like being diagnosed with a terminal illness really struck me. Finally, I feel some justification for what I always felt were crazy or irrational feelings.

    I was destined not to ever carry a child. I knew it at age 19. But that didn’t make it any easier….it just drew out the pain and longing that much longer. I think if I wouldn’t have found out until later in life it could have saved me some years of not thinking about it all the time.

    Our only option besides adoption for having children was to seek the help of a gestational surrogate. And that’s just what I did. We had our first son, followed by a set of twin girls. 6 years later we had twin boys, only to have one of them pass a way after almost 2 months. It has been a long hard journey starting from the day I was told I would never carry children of my own. We have been blessed and lucky for the success we have had. KUDOS to all you women who FIGHT for what you truely desire and lucky are thoes who succeed. I envy all you who were able to carry your own babies and grieve every day with thoes of you who never will. As was said earlier, infertility is some thing we do think about and have to find a way to live with every day.

    Reply
  3. 25

    While I loved the advice in this article, I would have to disagree with the last tip about Mother’s day. My husband and I have been trying for 4+ years to get pregnant. We both come from large families with many babies. So every year on Mother’s and Father’s day family members buy us gifts and cards. They seem to break my heart more than if they didn’t get us anything at all. I feel like do it out of pity. I know they just want to show that they care, but it still hurts. And a house plant as a gift was a constant reminder that I am not a mother.

    Reply
  4. 26

    I found this via Pinterest and just wanted to say thank you. I’m crying in my cubicle because of these true words. Reading them was like getting a hug right when I needed it. Thank you.

    Reply
  5. 27

    This is so true; I thought it took a lot of courage to go through this infertility journey (my boss was on the same journey as me), but as I told a classmate who travelled the same road, it takes a lot more strength to say “no more.”

    Reply
  7. 29

    Hi there,
    I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now but I don’t believe I’ve ever commented. However, I wanted to on this post because my husband and I struggle with infertility. We’re waiting and saving money to do IVF, which looks like our last option since we’ve done several IUIs and I have a low egg reserve. I wanted to tell you that your story does encourage me. And I wanted to share with you the series I write about on my blog chronicling our infertility struggle. It’s called “Waiting for Grace.” (http://hannahbunker.com/waiting-for-grace/). Writing about our struggle and seeing how it has helped so many people, helps to make the pain a little bit easier.

    And if anyone is reading through these comments a very dear friend of mine runs an online infertility support website called Dancing Upon Barren Land (http://dancinguponbarrenland.com/). It’s such a great resource and a beautiful encouragement for those who have and are going through an infertility battle.

    Thank you for sharing your story. For me it does help to see that it can happen. 🙂

    Reply
  8. 30

    I, myself, didn’t have any trouble conceiving the old fashioned way, but now I understand I bit better what other couples go through. Thanks, Beth.

    Reply
  10. 32

    This post takes me back to the not so distant past when I was one of these women, sitting at a coworker’s baby shower trying to hold back tears, crying while telling my brother and sister in law that I was happy for them when they announced their pregnancy….all the while I was trying to get pregnant to no avail. I have been fortunate, with IVF and a number of attempts I have been blessed with a daughter and twin boys, but I will never ever forget what it was like to deal with the pain of infertility. I still have irrational reactions to pregnancy announcements and baby showers.

    Reply
  11. 33

    Thank you for this post! My husband and I have been trying for about 2 1/2 yrs and its been a very painful journey. We’ve kept it very private and so without knowing it, people have made some very hurtful remarks that I will remember for a long time. I’ve read your blog for awhile and love the fact that I can relate to what you went through and also because we live in Iowa too! (the good ole midwest!) We are trying iui soon so hopefully I’ll be able to relate in more than one way! I wish everyone could read this article, it would save so much heartache, for so many couples. Also to Nicole, thank you for your comment, it brought tears to my eyes, I think it was what I needed to hear!

    Reply
  12. 34

    I never thought I had fertility issues. I could get pregnant, I just couldn’t sustain a pregnancy. But then I was told infertility encompassed so much more than just having problems conceiving. The blog you shared was so correct. Hearing pregnant friends complain about being pregnant, new parents complain about being a parent, or even friends saying they didn’t want to talk about my pain because it was too depressing was just heart breaking. I lived in constant anxiety that I would loose the baby in my last pregnancy. When I told friends and work at 31 weeks that I was pregnancy the fact that they were put out was frustrating, but I just had to remember they didn’t have personal connections to infertility. My husband and I were blessed March 9th with Samuel. 1 Samuel 1:20 “…and she called his name Samuel, for she said, ‘I have asked for him from the Lord.” I will continue to pray for those who are pregnant and those whose dream has yet to become a reality.

    Reply
  14. 36

    I started reading your blog for your cool creations. My husband and I are struggling with fertility for a year. I wish more people read articles like this so they don’t cause the tears and pain that they do.

    Reply
  16. 38

    When we were going through painful fertility treatments, a wonderful friend told me these words that kept me going, “God put the desire on your heart to be a mother for a reason. HE will somehow fulfill that desire. It might be through getting pregnant, adopting or caring for others children but HE is using this time to make you into the mother HE wants you to be.”

    Reply
  17. 39

    Same goes for people who have gone through miscarriage(s)

    Also, I have learned never to ask a woman when they are having #2/3 etc

    you dont know what struggles they have been through or are going through

    Reply
  18. 40

    This is a good post. I have one more to add: don’t constantly ask if they have had any luck yet. If they were pregnant and wanted to tell you, they would tell you!!

    I am 5 months pregnant now, and we had no trouble conceiving, but kept it a secret for the first 12 weeks until our first ultrasound. I also have a friend who is really struggling (2+ years now) and I know from my experience and hers that if someone WANTS TO TELL YOU they will, and if not, keep it quiet. For us, it was annoying to have to field questions from every relative and friend out there (even though I was pregnant, it was my business to keep) and for my friend, I know since she’s not pregnant, she certainly doesn’t need the constant reminder asking her what the deal is. So stressful.

    Reply
  19. 41

    Very well said! That is one of my favorite articles and I read it often. After dealing with infertility myself and now having close friends unfortunately going through the same thing, I try to be extra sensitive to her needs.

    Reply
  20. 42

    Wow….this totally took me back to when we were going through infertility. Everything is SO true. And I’m quick to forget it because as soon as I FINALLY became pregnant, I found myself doing the same things. What a great reminder, as I know have a lot of friends going through what we did. Also, what a great reminder that we are SO blessed to have our 2 little bundles!

    Reply

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  1. […] To read our fertility story, click here, to read about the day we found out our IVF was successful, click here. If you have a friend struggling with infertility and you don’t know what to say click here. […]

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