My cousin Alyssa referred me to a great blog, written by a woman facing similar issues as I with regards to infertility. I found it very comforting to read some of the things she has gone through and how she is able to cope.
Many people don’t know what to say, so they either say nothing, or they say something very hurtful without even knowing it. Below is an excerpt from her blog. I found it to be very interesting, and profoundly true.
Top 6 things to say to a woman struggling to conceive
Due to the sexual nature of infertility there is a shame and stigma attached to this life and medical crisis. Bringing awareness is key to changing the way people feel about and react to the issue of infertility.
Simply acknowledging those suffering will help fortify their spirits. Here are some things you can say:
1. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.
2. I am sorry you are going through this.
3. I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.
4. Do you want to talk about it?
5. I will support whatever decisions you make.
6. What can I do to help?
Studies have shown that infertility is as stressful as battling cancer or being diagnosed with a disease such as diabetes or HIV. Offer the same support you would to someone who had lost a loved one or was battling a life-threatening disease.
Be respectful and try to understand their grief. Infertility is extremely difficult emotionally, physically, and financially. Relationships suffer and some fail due to the stress, and repeated disappointments. Acknowledging their pain and not minimizing it, goes a long way.
Top 6 things NOT to say to a woman trying to conceive
1. “Just Relax.”
It minimizes a diagnosable medical problem. These type of comments add to their stress. Would you tell someone with cancer to just relax? I didn’t think so.
2. “Enjoy being able to travel, sleep late, have free time, etc.”
Being able sleep late does not provide comfort to someone who has always dreamed of being a parent. Your hectic life making memories sounds pretty good compared to an empty house wondering if you will ever be a part of “first steps”, soccer games, watching your child graduate. Would you tell someone who just lost their home how lucky they are now that they don’t have a lawn to mow?
3. “Maybe you aren’t meant to be a mom/dad.”
Do you notice all the abusive, neglectful, drug-addicted parents out there? Do they ‘deserve’ to be parents??? Enough said.
Being able sleep late does not provide comfort to someone who has always dreamed of being a parent. Your hectic life making memories sounds pretty good compared to an empty house wondering if you will ever be a part of “first steps”, soccer games, watching your child graduate. Would you tell someone who just lost their home how lucky they are now that they don’t have a lawn to mow?
3. “Maybe you aren’t meant to be a mom/dad.”
Do you notice all the abusive, neglectful, drug-addicted parents out there? Do they ‘deserve’ to be parents??? Enough said.
4. “Why don’t you just adopt?”
Do you ask this of ‘fertile” couples? Why not? Many people dream of having a child that is biologically related to them, to experience pregnancy, and birth. Many infertiles become parents by adoption, but adoption is not easy or inexpensive. It is it’s own difficult journey.
Do you ask this of ‘fertile” couples? Why not? Many people dream of having a child that is biologically related to them, to experience pregnancy, and birth. Many infertiles become parents by adoption, but adoption is not easy or inexpensive. It is it’s own difficult journey.
5. “You should try THIS!”
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose and you probably do not know all the facts. Don’t play doctor and don’t give unsolicited advice. Anyone dealing with infertility has seriously considered or tried IVF, if they can afford it. In-Vitro Fertilization is very costly. If you are under 40 your chances for success are around 25% at a cost of at least $12,000 a try. Maybe for medical reasons they cannot pursue IVF. Alternative health practices may work for you and you can mention it, but don’t push it. You have no idea how much they have researched and tried to figure out what will work for their situation. It is disrespectful to push your treatment plan.
6. “Being pregnant isn’t fun”
If you are pregnant, do not complain about your pregnancy to someone struggling to have a baby. Leave these complaints for others that have children. It is painful enough to be infertile and be surrounded by women that easily get pregnant, to watch their bellies grow. Your infertile friend would give and do ANYTHING to feel your discomfort, weight gain, etc.
I just stumbled upon your blog today via your TP post (I have no idea how, hehe) Anywho..I feel your pain, not so severely as your going through right now but I understand now what its like to be “infertile” I have a 5 year old son whom we’ve been trying to give a sibling to for 4 years now. After 2 miscarriages and 2 ectopic pregnancy’s I have had to have both of my tubes removed. I have unexplained secondary infertility, whatever that means. Lots of my girlfriends and female family members are on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancy’s and my heart breaks each time I hear about their news.
So we also have a baby fund, slowly growing but getting there. I too hate it when people say totally dumb things to you about not being pregnant. I hear “Well at least you have a child” or “you should be happy with what you’ve been given” Women with 3 children have said these things to me… I feel like asking them, well how about I take 2 of yours away, you should be happy with what I’ve left you with.
I have been blessed with my beautiful son and I am very happy to be his mom, but my want of a big family still weighs on my heart.
You guys will get there and you’ll be a great mom, I know I dont know you but I feel in in my bones:-)
Thanks for the tips — it IS hard to know what to say… although I hope I’ve never said any of the “NOT” ones!
great post beth!!!!! now if only the whole world would read it and take it to heart 🙂
god bless,
lindsay cox
What a wonderful blog–very well said. I heard several very hurtful lines after miscarrying: “You can try again” or “There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway” and also, “You shouldn’t have told people the news so soon.” These rate right up there along with the ones you listed regarding fertility! Glad to see your fund has grown to 1/3 of what you needed! You’ll reach your goal soon.