There was a day many years ago that I was spending the afternoon outside with a friend and her little girl. I distinctly remember her rolling her eyes when her toddler kept bringing her dandelions. I can still feel that ache in my heart that I had when I would have given anything for a child to call me Mommy and bring me dandelions. As silly as it sounds, that’s something I’ve carried with me over the years… knowing that my time was closer to get my own dandelions.
And it finally happened this week. The girls thought they were the most beautiful flower, and I suspect they saw the way my eyes lit up and my heart melted into a puddle on the grass. I had waited for this moment for what felt like an eternity.
UPDATE: Click HERE to read our fertility story, and click HERE to see our family today (6 years after writing this post!). <3
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Many of you have questions about this process, so I did a little Q and A below. Feel free to ask questions in the comment section too!
What is an FET ?
FET stands for Frozen Embryo Transfer. Several years ago (the first time we did IVF) they harvested many eggs from my body after doing lots of hormone treatments to cause my body to mature more than one egg. Those eggs were injected with Nick’s special business with a microscopic needle, and 4 of them successfully fertilized and turned into tiny people. Two of those were placed in me at the time, and the other two were frozen in a special freezer. They can be frozen for many many years… CRAZY!
What exactly happens on ‘transfer day’?
On the day of my transfer, they will use special techniques to thaw out our embryos, and there’s a danger that they won’t be strong enough to withstand the stress of this process. The embryos that make it through with flying colors will be placed into my uterus. This procedure is super simple and feels a lot like a pap smear. The doc inserts a ‘wand’ and watches on an ultrasound screen. Once the tip of the wand is inside the uterus, he ‘releases’ the embryos from the tip of the wand… right onto the wall of my uterus. This technology is insane, and I’m so grateful that we have these options.
Are you hoping for twins?
Obviously that would be ideal. I’ve spent the last 3 years loving my tiny little frozen darlings. But I would still be overjoyed with just one. Especially knowing that there are many women who would give anything for ‘just one’.
If you don’t become pregnant, will you try again?
If we had more than two embryos left, we would absolutely try again… because we believe that those are little people, with a complete set of DNA. Our DNA. But we don’t have more than two. So we would have to go through the full IVF cycle next time, and that isn’t something that I can even ponder at this point. I don’t know how I’ll feel, or how long it will take me to mourn the loss of these existing embryos. I don’t know if my family will feel complete or if those two empty chairs at the dining table will silently scream at my soul. I just can’t predict. So the answer to this question is…I don’t know. I’m not a planner. So we’ll just take one day at a time.
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Thanks again for all your support, prayers, and well-wishes during this process. I wish I could invite you all over for a big potluck and hug each and every one of you individually. And I’m not even a hugger, so that says a lot.
Patiently waiting for my dandelions too. Good luck this week!!!!
I’ll be praying for you that day.
And yes, as a mother of two toddlers myself, I need to appreciate my children and not let them annoy me. Thank you for the reminder.
Bless your heart for pouring it all out here! praying for you to be blessed with 2 more <3
I wish you and Nick the best of luck on June 12th!
My niece has had fertility issues and has struggled going through this process. Unfortunately due to several surgeries, etc. she will have to go a different route and is currently looking at adoption. I love how you are so open about this subject and it’s helped me understand some of the processes my niece has gone through. Thanks!
Absolutely beautiful post. I’ve been thinking so much about you as you get closer and closer to the transfer. I LOVE the dandelions meaning. It’s so true. You are a wonderful mommy. I’m channeling every positive thought and prayer I have in your direction.
We are praying for you. Thank you for sharing. I had my own dandelion episode a few weeks ago. It was awesome. I put them into a vase and took pictures. Took my twins just a year longer than yours. 😉
Best of luck and prayers for you Bethany!
xoxo
-andi
You got your dandelions! What a great story. I try to show excitement and joy in moments like that, even when I’m handed a few too many flowers. What a sweet story. June 12th–my daughters birthday;) will think of you!
I was just talking to my husband about you guys the other day, about how I thought your transfer day was coming up. I’m so excited for you and Nick both, lots of prayers, luck, and e-hugs are being sent your way.
Good luck and best wishes for a many dandelion bouquets for you!!!
I wrote a poem in high school about happiness that started “Dandelions picked too soon…” I have so many memories of filling my mom’s hands with the tiny stubs of flowers-to-be and then receiving the same from younger siblings and now nieces and nephews.
Wishing your family the best – including a future full of dandelions bouquets!
Thanks for staring Bethany! I’m praying for you and your babies! Also, I LOVE that you call your embryos “tiny people,” which I’m sure is so natural to you because you are their mommy, and that is total truth! Lots and lots of people don’t want to recognize embryos as tiny people, which is heartbreaking and confusing to me. Anyways, thank you for sharing. I’ve learned so much about infertility and how it affects women and how they can overcome it. Thank you!
I love you!
The story and photos of your daughters’ dandelion bouquets are touchingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a typically private experience. My husband and I have been TTC for 5 months and we just don’t know what the future holds. We might get lucky or we might have to take a longer, harder road like you. But if we do, it seems a whole lot less scary and more hopeful thanks in part to your honesty and openness in sharing your story. Wishing you lots of luck and baby dust from Canada!
Hi Beth! I’ve been following your blog for quite some time and I just wanted to drop in with some warm thoughts, well wishes, and prayers for you and your family during your journey. 🙂
J
Hi Beth – I also commented on the last post about your upcoming FET. I’m in the midst of our 4th IVF, and I’m terrified. My retrieval day is the 10th, so we’ll be IVF buddies this time around. Maybe some of your good luck will find its way to my uterus. In any case, I wish you the best of luck with expanding your family.
I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers during this whole process.
I wish you luck on the 12th and of course throughout the dreaded two week wait afterward. We conceived our son (7-months old now) through a FET with two embryos and we plan to do another FET with out final two next summer. I am not at all looking forward to the stress that comes with the whole process. Last night I dreamed I was pregnant with twins and could feel them moving in my tummy… those two embryos in the freezer definitely feel like two potential people to me, so I completely understand your feelings.
HUGS and PRAYERS for you, Beth!
WOW everytime I read your blog I seem to cry…!!!! Especially the ones that have to do with your fertility treatment.. I have been blessed with one child whom is 34 now. I don’t think I could mentally go through that. You are a strong women Beth and we all will be praying for you on your “transfer day”. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY…!!!!
Sorry, I’m not on Instagram can you also post it!!! I’m not in the century yet. ha. Best of luck!
I have two grown (18 & 20 years old) children – and one of my fondest memories are the days when they would bring dandelion bouquets to me! Thank you for bringing that one up!
I really enjoy following your blog and watching your beautiful children grow up in front of us! I also LOVE that you are honest about everything in y’alls lives and so optimistic. I will be keeping you in my prayers for a successful FET.
You asked on Facebook when you linked to this post if your openness is a bad thing. I am here to tell you it is absolutely a good thing. Conception and pregnancy came easy for me and I have always known how lucky and blessed we were. But I have never been able to fully empathize with the ache that must be felt by parents who are eagerly waiting for their children. Your words made my soul ache right along with you. Thank you for sharing your deeply personal journey with your readers. It is because you are so real that I keep coming back to your site again and again.
Hugs, love, prayers and positive vibes coming your way my friend! I’ll think of you every time I see a dandelion from now on.
Praying so hard for you guys.
Beth, praying for you daily. Whatever happens is God’s plan and I hope that includes two more babies in your family’s future. I am very sure all of us would love to watch two more little rug rats growing up right before our eyes! I really appreciate you sharing your struggles with everyone. It is so refreshing to find someone so honest! You don’t get that a lot these days! Marked my calendar for extra prayers on the 12th!
my fingers and toes will be crossed for you on transfer day, and I so appreciate your openness with this whole process. xo
I will be praying for your family this week! Both for the peace that passes understanding and that your tiny peanuts get in there and hold on! I’m so excited for you and hope all goes well!
Aw! Sweet Mama. I love dandelion bouquets too. 🙂 blessings on your sweet little girls and the ones yet to be. Hoping with you.
it is so refreshing to read your blog and hear your outlook on life regarding your children. I have been blessed to have 3 boys, very easily, and they are all healthy. Some days i want to pull my hair out and then i think of all the people like you, who would do anything to have a more chaotic living room with even more toys to pick up, or more diapers to change. Reading this makes me so glad i put the dandelions in a vase that my 6 year old gave me last week, rather than just throwing them away when he wasn’t looking. Children are such a precious gift from God. Maybe that’s the reason He gives us dandelions. So we all get reminders such as these when a big smile is running at us with a handful of beautiful weeds. Goodluck with the rest of your journey. Maybe your number is 4, or maybe just 2. None of us know, but you have so much fun ahead of you with those 2 little girls either way!
Beautiful. We’ll be sure to send lots of dandelion wishes your way today!
Hey Beth. I am so excited to read this. You and Nick deserve some more lovely children. I hope you know I think you are one hell of a strong woman. 🙂
Deborah
Loved this post Beth. When we did our FET (after 2 failed IVF cycles) the week before my transfer they measured my lining and it was HORRIBLE (and I was on additional vaginal estrogen). I was driving a few hours to my mother’s house after that appointment and after the GYN (my RE was not there) made the comment “Looks great if your a post menopausal woman, not so great if you’re tryign to get pregnant”, like I didn’t know it was bad enough when she gave me a low number…I cried the rest of the weekend, knew it wasn’t going to work. We were DONE, they called back and told me they would thaw my embryos on Wednesday (they were frozen just after they started dividing) and they would reameasure my “stripe” on Thursday. Talk about anxiety – now my babies would be thawing out with possibly not the best incubator the house them. Long story short, on Thursday my lining was GREAT and one of those three tiny popsicles is now 11 years old and one of the loves of my life (the other one is another miracle of adoption)…so GOOD LUCK!! I am hoping for great success with your FET and completely understand if you choose not to do it again. Those of us who have been through the process completely understand what a blessing motherhood, a little more so than those that didn’t have to struggle so much. I have always said that it isn’t that I love my children more than someone who didn’t struggle, but that I appreciate them more because the the struggle it took to get them here.
I wish you and your husband the very best of luck with everything.