I’ve come to a point where sharing my innermost thoughts may in fact be therapeutic for me, so instead of hibernating in my own pitiful darkness and shutting everyone out, I’ve decided to let you all in and invite you to pray for me and keep me accountable.
For so long, I’ve been terrified to let you in on my secret. Ashamed. And since this topic is discussed so little in our society, I felt it must be socially inappropriate to open up about the one thing that plagues my heart and marriage on a daily basis.
God gave women an innate maternal need to reproduce and cultivate young lives… children, babies, their own offspring. For as long as I can remember, my sole purpose in life has been to get married and be a mom.
We were hoping for a “baby-makin’ honeymoon,” but instead, we’ve endured a year of heart wrenching anxiety, actively trying to conceive. My heart used to go out to those struggling with infertility, I would think “how devastating for that poor woman, I honestly can’t think of anything worse. I’m so glad that’s not me.” And yet now, my own personal nightmare has invaded my life and my home.
Nick has been loving and supportive, and he shares in my grief. It’s a longing that has been ingrained into both of our hearts. In some ways, it’s been hard on our marriage, because the first year should be carefree and whimsical. But in other ways, it’s brought us very close and allowed us to love each other on a deep and meaningful level.
Friends and family would say, “It hasn’t even been a year yet, give it some time.” Or, “stop trying and that’s when it’ll happen.” Or, “sometimes it just takes a year or two, and then you won’t be able to STOP popping them out.” You may even be thinking those things right now. But in my heart, I knew something was wrong.
We’ve been seeing a fertility doctor now for 3 months. Last week I underwent surgery. A surgery that’s meant to check the reproductive system for Endometriosis, and if present, clear it out. Which for most women means they will likely get pregnant in the next few months. But for me, they found Stage 4 Endometriosis, an explosion of cysts all over my uterus, falopian tubes and ovaries. The doctor was able to clear some of it out, but the prognosis is not good. We’ve been told by our doctor, that with cases this bad, it’s nearly a medical impossibility to conceive without InVitro Fertilization. A procedure that cost $12,000 and isn’t covered by insurance.
The last week has been one of painful recovery, both physically and emotionally. How is this happening to ME? Of all the skanky little teenagers that get pregnant after a drunken one-night stand, and considering the fact that 60% of all pregnancies happened by ACCIDENT…. and don’t even get me started on abortion. Why do their ovaries function, but not mine?
I’m a healthy, active 27-year-old, who has waited patiently for many years for God to bring me my husband, and for us to be financially stable and own a spacious home in the country, with several acres for kids to run and play, to be ready for a family. Only to be diagnosed with a condition that will only worsen and eventually give me cause to have a complete hysterectomy. Where’s the fairness in that?
I know that most Christians would be strong and persevere, and think to themselves, “I know God has a plan for me, and I’m sure he has a purpose for giving me this trial, and surely He knows what’s best for me, I’ll probably be a stronger person in the end…. blah blah blah.” But I’m just gonna be straight up with you… God and I aren’t on the best of terms right now. We’re experiencing a tense relationship. Go ahead and judge me, because it’s true, I’m a weak, pathetic Christian.
There you have it folks. I’ve laid it out there. I’m exposed.
Mommy, I know that was a long time ago but I still feel absoloutly awful. I just wanted to let u know that me, della and Cypress are living proof that GOD IS GOOD! I love you so much, and reading that is so wierd, cuz u felt terrible because I wasn’t born yet. What a world!
My husband and I went through four years of infertility treatment and three miscarriages.
When people say, “it will happen when God wants it to,” I think of this:
http://epistle.us/inspiration/godwillsaveme.html
Maybe sometimes God works in mysterious ways — but sometimes, God works in such everyday, mundane ways as a doctor treating a medical problem.
Best wishes for your saving (I hope you get an unexpected windfall!) and for your treatment.
I feel your pain. My husband and I tried for almost 3 years. I also had surgery for endometriosis, we tried on our own after that for about 6 months, of heartbreak!
We decided to get a second opinion and I also started to see an acupuncturist. I went through it all again, including a second surgery, only to find out that my body kills the sperm on top of it all. We went through 2 IUI’s (inseminations), with the second being the most perfect (8-9 eggs and 90 million sperm). Only to have heartbreak (again!). We even started looking into adoption.
At the same time all this is happening, my parents decided to get a divorce and my husbands brother died suddenly of a heart attack. We were STRESSED!! Basically we were told the IVF was the only thing left.
We did the testing/bloodwork for it and decided to take a break from all the fertility stuff around the holidays. We were wating for my cycle to start in Jan to begin IVF and then found out we were pregnant.
I have never been a big God person. I believe, but not a church every Sunday….I heard all the “reasons” that people say. The only thing I can tell you is don’t give up hope and TRY to relax. I know it’s easier said than done.
If it is meant to be, it will happen when God wants it to, and remember that being a parent doesn’t always mean that you have to give “birth” to a child.
You’re not alone–my husband and I found out that he has azoospermia–doesn’t produce a single sperm–last year. Three hours later we were informed that his sister was pregnant, and 11 (!!) of my friends had babies last year. Not one of my friends who know about this issue have asked me how I’m doing, while I’ve been subject to a constant stream of baby showers and Facebook photo albums and all of it. Some are working on their second babies now while complaining about how tired they are, when I’d give anything to be that kind of tired right now. We’ve spent the last year adjusting to the idea that my husband and I will never have a biological child together, and there are no treatments and no amount of money that could change that.
I think about people who still have a chance out in the world, like you, and I hope so so hard that it works out in the end for you.
I completely understand the God issue–as bad as it sounds, I’ve abandoned any faith in God and can never forgive him for what’s happened to me. It’s horrible to say, but it’s completely what I feel in my heart.
I’m so sorry for your pain, though I think the comment about skanky teenagers was unnecessary. I hope you get the baby you want so badly.
I just stumbled across your blog while looking at home websites. I’m glad I did. My heart goes out to you and your husband through this hard time. I know how you feel. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for about 4yrs now. Several miscarriages and the drs say nothings wrong, just bad luck. People always say, “You’re young! You have plenty of time!” (I’m 26) But somehow that just doesn’t ease the pain. God and I are on shaky ground through all of this. But that doesn’t make us bad Christians. Ones relationship with God is just like any other in our lives; it has it’s ups and downs. It’s not an easy road to walk, but I know that I can’t give up hope on my life long desire to be a mother… and I know you won’t either. I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope and pray that you are blessed with with as many children as your heart desires 🙂
Hello Beth,
I stumbled across your blog when I was looking for painted backsplashes. I’m sorry about your uterus. I lost two pregnancies — ectopic, where the fertilized egg implants somewhere other than the uterus. The only solution is to terminate the pregnancy, if it doesn’t rupture and kill you first. For realz. So I understand your sorrow and anger. I used a book called “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and using that information, finally conceived and gave birth to a healthy son, who would be my only child. But I’m not complaining. I’m beyond thrilled to have him. Yes, I wanted more, but not to tempt fate, I never tried again.
Anyway, don’t necessarily listen to the docs. I was told what you were told, and if I had a dime for everyone who was told they would “never” have a child, then did, I’d be rich.
As for your tense relationship with God… after a lifetime of careful thinking and feeling, I’m pretty sure that — for me anyway — the sort of “White Guy In the Sky on a Cloud — Does and Knows Everything” God that I was told exists, does not. And rather than make me feel bad, it freed me to realize that life isn’t fair and it’s no one’s fault, certainly not God’s or anyone else’s. I finally realized that Love is my religion. So I walk through life loving and caring for all as often and as much as I possibly can. It works for me. You have to find your own path, of course, Christian or whatever speaks to you and whatever you can believe.
Much love to you. And peace,
Kimberly
Beth, I have tears on my cheeks for you. I’m covered in goosebumps, reading this. I just read this to my husband and we will pray for you and Nick.
there aren’t words, beth…
it’s a total injustice…. i said it and i mean it…. i love you.
Beth, My heart is beating wildly for you. I pray it does not hurt you more right now, but I have always imagined you would be THE BEST mother. I also believe and have faith that you WILL BE the best mother one day. God is faithful to give us the desires of our heart, he knows what we want, what we NEED and often times when he gives it to us, it is in the most unbelieveable of ways. May you find the will to be still and watch out for that unbelieveable. I love you.
…maybe read psalms some more? Mostly the verses about being abandoned, watching bad guys win, and wanting to crush and kill.
You feel a very normal way to feel. If I wrote your post it would have had a lot more bad words (at least a few) …even knowing my mommy/pastor/etc would read it.
You’re quite alright in how you feel. I wish (a great deal, and often) that God was a bit more into ‘fair’. I get mad at him over it. This will be a point I bring up in my next ‘What the *!#)*$!*$” conversation I have on the topic… I’ve pointed out before that a little more ‘here I am’ and a little more ‘Good things for peole trying to be good’ might go a long way here.
I know his method must be better. I’m a selfish dude who is only just now figuring out which way is up. But the issues have concerned people for millenia.
He has explained (over and over) how short this life is. …it doesn’t feel short to us; here and now.
$15,000 is a decent car. A couple years of IRA money. It is not impossible. Sorry you’re in the rain. It’ll stop raining. You don’t have to like it. There will be a rainbow at the end.
I’ve been crying for you a lot lately Beth. We’re praying for you two all the time. There are a lot of people talking to God about you right now, so if you can’t talk to Him much right now, you’re still taken care of. 🙂 You’re not a weak, pathetic Christian either. Even David, a man after God’s own heart would question God and get angry about situations. Just don’t let go of God completely. Your relationship can be mended again. I hope this doesn’t sound preachy or an “easy fix” to the situation–its not meant to be. Just know we love you and Nick so much! Let us know if we can do anything for you anytime.
You have been on my heart a LOT this week. This is probably why. I didn’t know the surgery was this week and I’ve been praying for you lots this week. I love you much!!
Brave post, Beth! We are praying for your miracle!