I’ve come to a point where sharing my innermost thoughts may in fact be therapeutic for me, so instead of hibernating in my own pitiful darkness and shutting everyone out, I’ve decided to let you all in and invite you to pray for me and keep me accountable.
For so long, I’ve been terrified to let you in on my secret. Ashamed. And since this topic is discussed so little in our society, I felt it must be socially inappropriate to open up about the one thing that plagues my heart and marriage on a daily basis.
God gave women an innate maternal need to reproduce and cultivate young lives… children, babies, their own offspring. For as long as I can remember, my sole purpose in life has been to get married and be a mom.
We were hoping for a “baby-makin’ honeymoon,” but instead, we’ve endured a year of heart wrenching anxiety, actively trying to conceive. My heart used to go out to those struggling with infertility, I would think “how devastating for that poor woman, I honestly can’t think of anything worse. I’m so glad that’s not me.” And yet now, my own personal nightmare has invaded my life and my home.
Nick has been loving and supportive, and he shares in my grief. It’s a longing that has been ingrained into both of our hearts. In some ways, it’s been hard on our marriage, because the first year should be carefree and whimsical. But in other ways, it’s brought us very close and allowed us to love each other on a deep and meaningful level.
Friends and family would say, “It hasn’t even been a year yet, give it some time.” Or, “stop trying and that’s when it’ll happen.” Or, “sometimes it just takes a year or two, and then you won’t be able to STOP popping them out.” You may even be thinking those things right now. But in my heart, I knew something was wrong.
We’ve been seeing a fertility doctor now for 3 months. Last week I underwent surgery. A surgery that’s meant to check the reproductive system for Endometriosis, and if present, clear it out. Which for most women means they will likely get pregnant in the next few months. But for me, they found Stage 4 Endometriosis, an explosion of cysts all over my uterus, falopian tubes and ovaries. The doctor was able to clear some of it out, but the prognosis is not good. We’ve been told by our doctor, that with cases this bad, it’s nearly a medical impossibility to conceive without InVitro Fertilization. A procedure that cost $12,000 and isn’t covered by insurance.
The last week has been one of painful recovery, both physically and emotionally. How is this happening to ME? Of all the skanky little teenagers that get pregnant after a drunken one-night stand, and considering the fact that 60% of all pregnancies happened by ACCIDENT…. and don’t even get me started on abortion. Why do their ovaries function, but not mine?
I’m a healthy, active 27-year-old, who has waited patiently for many years for God to bring me my husband, and for us to be financially stable and own a spacious home in the country, with several acres for kids to run and play, to be ready for a family. Only to be diagnosed with a condition that will only worsen and eventually give me cause to have a complete hysterectomy. Where’s the fairness in that?
I know that most Christians would be strong and persevere, and think to themselves, “I know God has a plan for me, and I’m sure he has a purpose for giving me this trial, and surely He knows what’s best for me, I’ll probably be a stronger person in the end…. blah blah blah.” But I’m just gonna be straight up with you… God and I aren’t on the best of terms right now. We’re experiencing a tense relationship. Go ahead and judge me, because it’s true, I’m a weak, pathetic Christian.
There you have it folks. I’ve laid it out there. I’m exposed.