Sometimes, I like to think of myself as a strong, confident, and independent woman. But the fact of the matter is, I’m none of the above. I wish that I could say I deal with disappointment and tragedy with grace and style… but the truth? I’m a sad little pouting girl, crying until I burst a blood-vessel in my face. I get mad at God, infuriated by pregnant women, and hostile toward innocent small children. What is wrong with me? How do others deal with the bumps in life with such poise and dignity?
Lately I’ve been feeling ugly, and skinny, and infertile. All my closest friends are either purposefully or accidentally pregnant. I emerse myself in my husband, as well as finding creative ways to make money. Then I throw a pity party for myself when I think about how the act of conception should be simple, heartfelt, an act of love… not to mention FREE.
Thanks to you all who have either offered encouraging words, donated monetarily, or participated in our baby-fund via backsplash painting. It means so much to know there are so many that are rooting for us, and praying (though I’m doubtful praying does much good these days). I hope to be able to share good news some day soon. Until then, thanks for sticking around as our disheveled, reckless, honest story unfolds.
Somedays at work, when people go on about their babies I just want to scream at them. I know this isn’t rational, and I don’t begrudge them their beautiful children. I hate myself whenI am that eaten up with jealousy
Your blog is gorgeous, and your longing for motherhood is beautiful too. I’ll be praying for you as you face this struggle. I’ve only read a couple of posts, having stumbled over here from All Things Thrifty, but I haven’t seen mention whether you’ve looked into alternative infertility treatments? Forgive me for being forward, but I wanted to recommend Dr. Hilger’s work in NaPro Technology at the Pope Paul VI Institute in Creighton, NE. The work being done there is truly revolutionary science, completely Christ-centered, and has helped many thousands of couples who were told by traditional medicine and modern science that their infertility was untreatable. You should check out their site: http://naprotechnology.com/
Peace,
Jenny
Hi Bethany!
I stumbled across your blog from all things thrifty. I read your posts about infertility and I am really sorry about what you’re going through. My husband and I found out a year after trying to get pregnant on our own that our only chance of conceiving was thru IVF. I was cool with it at first until the doctor told us how much it was going to cost!!! I bawled all the way home and had a pity party for a good week. Long story short….we finally had the money to do IVF and had a baby girl. When we tried the second time with our frozen embryos, we got pregnant again and then lost the baby. I was devastated to say the least. I was so blessed to have my daughter but I knew I wanted more children and for my daughter to have siblings but we had ZERO money to do it again. So we financed it!!!! We’ll probably be paying on it forever but it’s totally worth it. Since going through infertility I have met so many woman who struggled with it too. So I just wanted to let you that you’re not alone! You will get the $$ for In Vitro and you will have a chance at getting pregnant so if you can just keep your chin up until that day and focus on the possibility of what could be because it WILL come!! And I really really hope and pray that you are a mom someday. Just prayed for you, seriously.
BTW, I love your name! Oh and we have a chocolate lab too, weird huh?
~Beth (real name Bethany)
I think infertility in the most difficult thing a woman can endure. I have endured 4 years of it and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I get mad at god too. The only thing is that my anger hasn’t produced any results. I have my first appt with a couselor next week and I hope that I will gain some persective. Just know that you aren’t alone.
With Love,
Christina
Sorry that you are going thru this & feeling lousy… & that probably does not come close to how you are really feeling, but I will keep praying for you & will stick around for that day when you write, “This is what I have been longing for” “Now I understand God’s timing”
Go ahead and throw yourself on the floor in a fit girl! If it doesnt make you feel any better, at least you have given a good visual to those around you who witnessed it. 🙂
We adopted our precious son, and LOOOOOOOOONNNNNG story, but he died at age 15. I cant imagine not having God to go through any of it with. I was dependant on Him and as the Bible says, I came up from the wilderness, leaning on my Beloved.
No words alter the agonies of our lives, however, dont give up on changing the heavenlies with prayer…. sustaining prayer. Blessings, Diana
Oh gosh, I am right there with you. My husband and I want a baby very much but I’m not really sure it’s in the cards. We keep trying and most days, I tell myself it’s okay if it doesn’t happen, that we still have a good life. But on my bad days, it seems like nearly all of my friends, family, and co-workers are pregnant and of course, it was just so easy for them! And I am bitter and angry and sad.
“I get mad at God, infuriated by pregnant women, and hostile toward innocent small children.” – I have the same exact thoughts. And there’s nothing wrong with crying!